There is something I very strongly feel I need to iterate or reiterate for those of you who have been paying attention. I had a life before I ever knew anything about the endocrine system. I lived as vivaciously as I could especially after I was free from the confines of my parents. Sure, I struggled with acne a lot in my adolescent years and I could argue I had signs of hormonal disturbances even then, but there was a time when that couldn't hold me back nearly as much as it does now. I worked for a year before I went to college and I had been working part-time since I was 14. I made and saved money because I
wanted to be independent. I used to go to school at UW River Falls. I joined choir. I made some good friends. I had a boyfriend I liked very much for part of sophomore year. I had more energy and no pain to be found in my muscles or joints. I leisurely played volleyball, went rock climbing, and loved to bike. Once I got out of the dorms, I didn't even
want to go home in the summers. I volunteered to teach English in Japan in the summer of 2007. The only thing that really depressed me was that I found my small college town too isolating and dull. Theatre kept me busy and another trip to Japan in winter 2008 for a history study tour. There were some physical signs then I suppose when I strained my legs a little. Nothing I'd think much of at the time. Anything wrong with me was minor at best- like asthma, which I've had since adolescence. It was when my friend from that 2007 trip died from being hit by a drunk driver that I made the decision to change schools. I was devastated about it, yet it was the emotional push I needed to finally leave River Falls. I wanted to study more Japanese, I was just going to miss all the friends I'd made... I can probably stop the story there. Most of my time in Eau Claire is when the symptoms really started to hit. Everybody seems to know that version of me.
Cushing's radically changed my behavior and eventually my body. I subconsciously fought it for as long as I could. Anyone who was around to witness it knows it wasn't pretty. That's not me though. Even though I was able to get a cure, the only thing that really got better was my emotional control and the weight gain. Then I got hypothyroidism, gallstones, and gastroparesis. I even fainted once. The train of ailments hasn't stopped. I've been trying to deal with all this, but others don't see it. I think it's this whole concept that I'm getting "better", right? I wasn't even completely prepared for the backlash it was going to have on me. I've tried so hard to work through the muscle pain and to rise above fatigue. I knew I was going have hormone withdrawal and that I had to walk it off so to speak. I've been doing that for years now. My specialist says I shouldn't be having this much trouble anymore, but much to his chagrin, I am. He's checked for lupus and arthritis. There's little left in his field to do other than I'd like him to check a few more hormones. Meanwhile, I am facing the toughest semester I've had in ages. This frigid weather has really set off things. I thought I just had muscle pain. Now it's my joints and my ligaments, too. I can feel the exact places where it hurts. I mean, it's all over but they seem to take turns in intensity. The muscle relaxants I've tried are a flop. They just make me weaker. I'm taking them though along with Ibuprofen now because I had to go to the E.R. for a muscle spasm over break. I was seriously doing nothing and then as I was bending my leg to get up, something seized. I suddenly couldn't straighten or move my leg without feeling great pain. My neighbors had to carry me crying to my roommate's car. I didn't want to move it. We spent at least one movie there. They gave me some kind of anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxants that helped. Then pain killers so I could finally walk on the darn thing.
Thanks to that incident, I'm afraid to not take medication. I AC wrap things as I see fit. I had to wrap that part of my leg for a week. I hate taking medications. I'm lucky my stomach is holding up. I also had a cold for so long that my roommate convinced me to go to urgent care a week before that. I had really wanted to go swimming over break. Anyone who thinks I don't want to exercise has no clue. That is the comment I'm getting far too often from people lately. I'm lucky I made it through the 4-hour light hanging I had to do. Those things are heavy and I felt myself swoon (for lack of a better word) more than once. I also started to get brain fog; ie I was confusing simple things. I am actually getting some exercise twice a week through a stage movement class. We do something like yoga. I walk everywhere. I'm just trying to survive to graduation at this point. I might be able to swim on Sunday if I feel up to it. I have to get there first. I just wanted to write about how I'm feeling these days. Being in constant pain and having to do so much is just wearing me down. I'm happy I don't have Cushing's anymore. At least I know these frustrated feelings are my own and not some overreaction my body is producing. And if I had to guess, I'd put my money on Fibromyalgia. That is a neuro-endocrine-immune disorder. Makes sense, trust me. I probably won't know until summer when I get to see more specialists. Thank god I still have insurance. So I am working extremely hard even if I don't look it or my actions aren't up to someone else's standards. There is a girl I used to be. I may never be quite like her again, but I'm working towards that. If I don't look sick or seem lazy and if you never met me before all this came spiraling down, I wish you could've. She still exists. Just in smaller quantities at a time. Do the math, people, and don't assume to know what another person feels underneath the skin. You can't literally see pain.
Also, here's a good break down of what Cortisol does to you:
(the hormone that started this whole problem to begin with)
