Hello? Police? I'm reporting an attempted murder: my body

I was ready to have this thing beat. While you could say it was well expected knowing what I know about other cushies, I still was not prepared to be told I'm sicker. I've already had people telling me not to take it like a death sentence, but how can I act like this is just another bump in the road? Hypothyroidism will probably not go away. I've given so many things up in order to get better and all I do is get worse. My adrenal gland is faltering and I may not be in any immediate danger, but people don't realize that these diseases kill. Look up adrenal insufficieny, look up myxedema. Call me insensitive or ignorant, but I can think of a million other diseases I'd rather have. Nobody understands what I got. How many hours have I spent trying to explain it to my teachers or my classmates? The Dean of Students said if I were to fail this semester I would have adequate leverage to appeal. That may be all well and good but I'd rather not be facing that prospect. Am I ever going to graduate? Am I doomed to never overcome such a simple task? I want to get out of here. I want to live my life already. No more doctors or medications or surgeries. Although, I am pretty frustrated that now I have to go through more tests and precautions just to get my gallbladder out. The lady in the Dean's office had asked me if I wanted to take a semester off. No! I don't want to take any more time away from school. What am I going to be 30 when I get that diploma? If I ever get that diploma. Levothyroxine is my new drug and I was told to be very strict in taking it. Will I get insomnia, more hunger pains? A lot of my organs are duking it out right now so I can't imagine I won't have to deal with something. Just not the jitters, please. I had this dream last night where I was in class and the teacher said I was going to wear a tiara while the rest of the class did something else. I found that notion very patronizing. The princess who just sits there doing nothing. I'm not a princess, I'm an independent woman (or I sure want to be at this point). Did I mention all the sleeping I'm doing? At first, I wanted to sleep so much because I just seemed happier when I was dreaming. That was before I knew why I was tired and I started missing classes a lot. I don't usually agree with the phrase "ignorance is bliss" yet the rabbit hole deepens. I'm also tired of my mother in particular acting like every time I show a negative emotion there must be something wrong with me. I get it. She worries. The fact that she's mentioned multiple times that I took my guinea pig's death too hard is unfair. I care a lot about the animals and people I know. Yes, I took it hard. She had seizures in my arms. She was hypoglycemic. I can relate to that. It was like watching myself die or a family member. It was a very human disease and I was too distracted by my own sickness until the near end. When the week is over, I might be taking the new one to that specialist. He's sneezing and I don't like it. My clothes are baggy, my hair seems brittle again and I'm sweating. It's too hot or it's mostly too cold. The only thing that's not happening is weight gain. I'm 117lbs, my friends. I am a princess when it comes to me wanting some decent clothes. It's debatable what really fits me in my wardrobe. I can barely even think about Christmas. This may be the first year I don't buy any gifts. I already feel sick after that first dose. I have to take it on an empty stomach. Period. Otherwise it doesn't work, apparently.  Oh yeah, my Cortisol is low again. It was 3.3, so that might be making me feel worse along with the rest. You may be seeing more frequent posts from me as I am clearly not a happy camper!

The vacant sound of loneliness and grief is all that remains

I am completely devastated by what happened to my guinea pig. She was very rambunctious for the last few weeks and I can't help but feel like she was trying to warn me and I didn't listen to her. She supposedly came down with such a bad case of pneumonia that she stopped eating and practically became a lifeless doll. I've barely slept since Thursday night when I noticed how quiet she was. I took her out of her cage and put her on my bed and she suddenly fell over; flailing. I immediately thought to myself, "she's dying!" I cradled her on my chest like I always do and started sobbing. She was only 3 years old and she seemed fine just a day or so ago. I petted her and all I heard was a soft wheezing. Usually she makes a more contented sound. Then she appeared to have a seizure! I thought back to my dystonic reaction. The poor thing! She wasn't interested in treats, but surprisingly drank a bunch of water when I brought the bottle over to her. I didn't know what to do. It was late. What could I do? Watching her go so earnestly to that water bottle made me wonder if I shouldn't pronounce her dead. She hadn't lost interest in food or drink, she just was having a hard time getting it down for some reason. I called a veterinary clinic helpline and I got a doctor to call me back. He didn't specialize in guinea pigs and said he couldn't do much for me if I didn't bring her in. I said no at first, but soon realized if I didn't go, she might die before I could go to another one. So my roommate and I took her, although we didn't get any answers. She was a little underweight and had a low-grade fever. He gave her fluids and some antibiotics despite the fact that he didn't really think she had an infection. I hated seeing her in pain over this check-up, but he said I should give her 48 hours although it didn't look good. Oh, and she had a lump under her chin. Great, that sounded irreparable. I forgot to mention before I changed my mind about going, I also found mites in her cage (from the bedding!?) They were crawling around under it all so I never saw them in there! I had seen some of them in my room though. I asked if that could've made her sick and he said he didn't see any on her. I paid the bill and spent a few hours holding her. I very much expected to meet a dead version of her in the morning. The fluids had perked her up slightly. She made happier noises. At least she was more comfortable. I finally wrapped her up in a warm towel in her newly cleaned cage and begrudgingly went to bed. I woke only two hours later in subconscious worry I'm sure. I turned on the light. She immediately started squeaking. I was astounded! I gave her some more water and turned the light back off. Even when I got into bed she was making a lot of sounds. She really wanted my attention. I wanted to take her out, but I needed to sleep for class. I woke up a few hours later. I took her out and started calling around for appointments. I got one for late in the afternoon. She wouldn't eat anything I tried to give her, aside from an apple piece which she took a nibble from. She drank a bit more water. I noticed she was leaning her head to the side a lot, like she was seizing again. I figured I might be euthanizing her when I got told she was too far gone. I almost wondered if it was worth the stress on her. Maybe she should just stay here and I'll keep giving her the antibiotics. I never managed to get that in her mouth before the appointment. I wonder if I should've tried harder. I really didn't want to leave her, even for a one-hour class. I didn't want her to be alone, to die alone. I was afraid the moment I left, it'd be the end. I e-mailed my teacher. She told me to get an unexcused absence from the Dean's office. Fat chance. I called the office and asked if this counted as an emergency. Granted, I started crying, so I guess it'd be hard for her to say no. A little later we were off to another appointment. She was really starting to position herself weird; she kept arching her head backwards. I was surprised when the more qualified vet said she didn't have a lump. He stuck a scope down her poor throat forever. He decided it was pneumonia and an inner ear infection. That's why she couldn't balance herself! He told me she might be okay depending on how the next day or so went. He gave her more fluids and Vitamin C. I became more positive. I wish I hadn't. When I got back, I let her rest in her cage. I wanted to early vote and was a little less reluctant about leaving her alone, so I did for about an hour. I wanted her to get some rest and my roommate was there. Well, when I got back, I came across a bit of a scene. She was no longer wrapped in her towel and was laying the other direction convulsing! My heart sunk. I felt horrible for leaving. I promptly brought her with me into the bathroom and got in the shower with her. The steam was supposed to help her sinuses. Meanwhile, my clothes got soaking wet. I couldn't tell if it was helping her. I handed her to my roommate while I found dry clothes. I was beside myself. She no longer could sit up much at all and looked very rattled by it. I laid down with her and just tried to relax her. My mom called me and said how she could hear her. "That's a good sign", she says, although she only really made them when I tried to prop her up better because she flailed her legs in confusion. My mom told me to wrap her up so she'd feel safer. She was shaking or jerking every few minutes. I don't really know what was going through my mind then. I may have started crying again. I thought about giving her her next dose of medicine that was supposed to have a good flavoring. I wondered if she'd choke because she was so disoriented. I petted her and she rolled her eyes up to look at me. She looked so confused and yet transfixed on me; her owner. She was really attached to me and it felt like she was fighting to stay alive every minute. Maybe we should've just kept laying there. I don't know. It was more calming, overall. I left her a moment and turned on the shower in the other bathroom. Then we went to sit in there and soak up more steam. Well, all this getting up just frazzled her more I guess. I thought we'd sit in the fully steamed room and maybe she would be able to breathe again. I have no idea if she was breathing well or not. It was hard to tell. As I was adjusting the towel around her so we could cuddle on the floor against the bathtub, she appeared to have another seizure. White puss appeared from her eyes like they'd been doing on occasion and then she went limp. All I could do was call her name in the form of a desperate question. The sobering moment when I realized her heart had stopped beating. It seemed too sudden and unreal and cruel. I should've been stroking her softly if she was going to die in my arms, not go limp in my fumbling hands with a stroke. I feel like I somehow let her down even though I tried very hard to help her. The only question that remains for me is whether or not she had mites, too, although they were too big? Larva? I've been bit at least once. Anyway, she went from getting better to dead within hours. Whereas before, I had accepted the reality of this, after going through all that with her I felt a deep sense of loss. I became even more attached to her as I watched her be so defiant towards nature. Nuzzling up to my neck when she could barely move functionally. She never seemed to want to spend downtime in her cage. She just wanted to be with me. I'd like to think she forgave me since I finally realized what was wrong. Looking back, all the signs were there months ago at my parent's home. Months ago when I had wanted to take her to a vet because she was having messy bowel movements. I didn't have money or a way there and I knew my parents would find it unnecessary. I gave her less treats and it cleared up. Then it was back to school. There isn't a very close vet nor are they cheap. I could afford what I did this week thanks to financial aid paying my tuition in full. I have been crying for most of the night. I know she loved me and I loved her but how did it come to this? Now all I have is an empty room. I'll never hear her squeaks and say, "Bye, baby" and "Hi, baby" ever again to her. I keep thinking she's in there and I can still hear her squeaks in my mind. Every time something moves, I assume it's the pet that's always been here. She was the sweetest guinea pig I've ever met and I had really thought she'd live longer on my watch. She's been with me almost my whole time in Eau Claire. I feel like she took a large part of me with her. I can't get over what a little fighter she was, which is why I fought so hard to get her better even if it cost me debt. I want her here so much.