I was ready to have this thing beat. While you could say it was well expected knowing what I know about other cushies, I still was not prepared to be told I'm sicker. I've already had people telling me not to take it like a death sentence, but how can I act like this is just another bump in the road? Hypothyroidism will probably not go away. I've given so many things up in order to get better and all I do is get worse. My adrenal gland is faltering and I may not be in any immediate danger, but people don't realize that these diseases kill. Look up adrenal insufficieny, look up myxedema. Call me insensitive or ignorant, but I can think of a million other diseases I'd rather have. Nobody understands what I got. How many hours have I spent trying to explain it to my teachers or my classmates? The Dean of Students said if I were to fail this semester I would have adequate leverage to appeal. That may be all well and good but I'd rather not be facing that prospect. Am I ever going to graduate? Am I doomed to never overcome such a simple task? I want to get out of here. I want to live my life already. No more doctors or medications or surgeries. Although, I am pretty frustrated that now I have to go through more tests and precautions just to get my gallbladder out. The lady in the Dean's office had asked me if I wanted to take a semester off. No! I don't want to take any more time away from school. What am I going to be 30 when I get that diploma? If I ever get that diploma. Levothyroxine is my new drug and I was told to be very strict in taking it. Will I get insomnia, more hunger pains? A lot of my organs are duking it out right now so I can't imagine I won't have to deal with something. Just not the jitters, please. I had this dream last night where I was in class and the teacher said I was going to wear a tiara while the rest of the class did something else. I found that notion very patronizing. The princess who just sits there doing nothing. I'm not a princess, I'm an independent woman (or I sure want to be at this point). Did I mention all the sleeping I'm doing? At first, I wanted to sleep so much because I just seemed happier when I was dreaming. That was before I knew why I was tired and I started missing classes a lot. I don't usually agree with the phrase "ignorance is bliss" yet the rabbit hole deepens. I'm also tired of my mother in particular acting like every time I show a negative emotion there must be something wrong with me. I get it. She worries. The fact that she's mentioned multiple times that I took my guinea pig's death too hard is unfair. I care a lot about the animals and people I know. Yes, I took it hard. She had seizures in my arms. She was hypoglycemic. I can relate to that. It was like watching myself die or a family member. It was a very human disease and I was too distracted by my own sickness until the near end. When the week is over, I might be taking the new one to that specialist. He's sneezing and I don't like it. My clothes are baggy, my hair seems brittle again and I'm sweating. It's too hot or it's mostly too cold. The only thing that's not happening is weight gain. I'm 117lbs, my friends. I am a princess when it comes to me wanting some decent clothes. It's debatable what really fits me in my wardrobe. I can barely even think about Christmas. This may be the first year I don't buy any gifts. I already feel sick after that first dose. I have to take it on an empty stomach. Period. Otherwise it doesn't work, apparently. Oh yeah, my Cortisol is low again. It was 3.3, so that might be making me feel worse along with the rest. You may be seeing more frequent posts from me as I am clearly not a happy camper!
Oh no girl! I'm so sorry! I hear you, it is worse than depressing and ppl just don't get it, they think being sad is wrong, but it's not. I believe I have cushings too, not confirmed yet though. but whatever I have I totally get how you just want to live your life already and that most ppl can never relate. I write in my journal about how I feel like everything is just being stolen from me. more and more of me is replaced by tombstones. here lies Heather's energy. here lies Heather's bubbly personality.... on and on. I understand at least that part of you. then ppl make it worse by saying "it could be worse" "you need to be more positive." I have found that that just makes everything worse and more lonely. but if someone were to allow me just to sit and cry with them with how much I have lost without the fear of them trying to change me, it would mean so much because then, in that moment I wouldn't be alone. loneliness and misunderstanding seem to be the worst thing about this horrible disease, at least for me.
ReplyDeleteif ever you just need to talk and be heard by someone who won't judge you or try to "fix" you, let me know. girlybarrows at gmail dot com.