WARNING: I have a lot to say about my menses (I felt the need for a disclaimer). The newest thing on my mind in the world of my health is getting some damn stabilization. I did get my gallbladder out and had fun discovering that even dilaudid can't sensibly curb my pain now. I think they should've realized I needed be hospitalized on the IV for at least one night whether my adrenal gland was doing well or not. The intricacies of Cushing's are not well understood at all. I'm discovering a trend of pain intolerance after the fact, which pretty much makes you a drug seeker in the eyes of any physician. Cortisol really screws with every organ and sense you have. I have finally been eating and suddenly I'm 137lbs. I lamented to my doctors over spring break that I look pudgy and I'm always hungry. All the weight went to my belly. My legs are still skinny as sticks, my face is my old face again, and nothing else has changed. They told me I was being too hard on myself considering all I've been through in only 2 years. They're probably right but it didn't stop me from crying over it one night. I get called lots of things like "brave" and "positive" but there are still those times when I pity myself. When I selfishly just want my old metabolism back among other things. Not because I'm overweight or anything. There are just parts of me I feel like I'll never recover and parts of my life. I'm certainly more upbeat than I've been in years. Although, sometimes I catch myself being overly sensitive to things that wouldn't used to both me. Like if someone asks me do something as simple as take out the garbage. Most tasks no longer seem simple. Anyway, as my thyroid continues to require a higher dosage of medicine, my menstrual cycle has gone from a monthly annoyance to me feeling like I've got something akin to the flu. Nausea, heartburn, profuse sweating, depression, PAINFUL cramps, general weakness. You name it, I've got it. I used to think it'd be unnatural to take something that inhibits this process, but now it is all too clear that in some cases less hormones are better. In the back of my mind I wonder about things like endometriosis (ovarian cysts) due to the fact that intense pain during one's period is a key sign. It's not that I'm constantly thinking about diseases I could have, but I think a lot about my own fertility since I got Cushing's. Almost as long as I can remember I've liked being around children and they've liked being around me. I don't like the idea of not being able to have one. Overall, I truly do take things in stride. It helps that I feel much calmer on a day-to-day basis. I continue to not feel strong enough to do all the things I want to or need to, however. Keeping up in school is always a battle. I have trouble fitting in other activities I like to do like swimming and theater (not to mention that'd get me more exercise than just walking). Of course, once the snow melts I can use my bike. Speaking of my muscles my specialist checked me for arthritis and lupus. It's never lupus! Fibromyalgia comes to mind. So to sum up this post: I am changing to Seasonale, which means I only got to deal with a monthly progesterone drop every three months (so less ovulation). I'm still trying to find a medicine or way to help my digestion better. One idea was an anti-depressant but I jumped that boat pretty quick. I've never had good results in the past with them. Those kinds of things have the worst side effects and it knocked me out despite many cups of coffee. Interestingly, when I tried taking a similar drug for actual "depression" I only felt a bit drowsy. I use quotation marks because I now know Cushing's was mostly my problem. I was able to refill my valium for my muscles for awhile and it curbs my anxiety. Sleep eludes me from time to time. I don't know what to do about that and I've had a good amount of strange dreams; almost lucid. I sometimes have dreams of being back in high school or in any setting with someone talking everything out. I guess I don't have someone in real life to truly and fully talk to. I mostly talk to them in my mind instead. My mind still wanders to Mocha, too. Maybe because she was my anchor through sickness and she seemed pretty weak herself. Losing her when I did was hard. I was too sick to realize. Point being I'm cooped up with myself a lot mentally. I interact with others obviously, but there are things like this that I don't get to talk much about. I did get a new guy named Chip. I felt the name had an upbeat and hopeful quality. I tread these choppy waters looking for a way to that booyie because I sure can't go back to the shore.
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