There is something that I've noticed this semester: I am capable of more than I think, but still unhappy about what I can't do (at least, not on the level I'd like to be able to). I've done some interesting things especially in my movement class and my gym class from last semester. I can still do handstands and I can do other things like rolling on a mat or doing a cartwheel. Maybe it's because most of this is based on gravity instead of strength. It is also things I have understood from an early age. At the same time, I am emotionally challenged whenever I watch others do things I used to be able to do. I also get scared because I don't want to hurt myself just to prove something. I don't know how to get over this. Even with the achievements I've had, I feel upset. I had to light a dance tonight and watching them all made me sad and jealous. I also appreciate what they are doing. It is just hard to watch when I ache all over and want nothing more but to be in that artistic moment. My body has been rebelling lately as spring break becomes a recent memory. I've been walking more, trying to wake up earlier, and inevitably doing more than I probably should for school. I don't want to whine, but I get so hungry and tired. What really got to me last week was my recent grade in my movement/dance class. My teacher wrote, "You must've not rehearsed much because you forgot various parts and you were too high up". I got a C; 74%. I felt very disappointed. After I did those dances, I got some compliments from classmates. I had been very pleased. I worked hard and others noticed. I may have strained my knees and my hamstrings, but I managed. I forgot the same part a million times when I practiced and never was able to solidify it. I hate to admit it, but my memory is a bit off even without my original illness. This is one of many signs that something undetected is going on with my body even now. I know that physical and mental stress coincide. I'm mad since I'm aware my ambitions must heel to what's better for my overall health. Good luck with that as a senior or a college student in general. As for being higher up, I certainly couldn't bend as low as I should to properly do the dance. I think I did some really creative things that my teacher wrote off as bare minimum attempts. And it's not about the grade, it's about how hard I worked to even do what I did. I wasn't sure I could do one of those dances, but I tried and did it. I really feel like the disclaimer they put at the end of my syllabuses are misleading. I've talked to Deans. I've talked to everyone. They send me back and forth. People are understanding in person. Nothing gets accomplished, though. I can't get the "right" doctor's note, etcetera... it's a joke. This isn't what bothers me- as I've said. I just feel misunderstood. I don't want to appear like I'm not pulling my weight or don't care. I care a lot. I'm just so exhausted so often that I can barely concentrate on socialization even though I want nothing more than to be connected to others. Anyway, this has become a thing I've noticed: whenever I see people do movement I wish I was more capable of, I get sad. It's a confusing and mixed feeling!
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