Who ya gonna call!?! For psychological ghosts?

I look at Cushing's like a ghost that haunts me. I know in my case it's probably never coming back, but I haven't forgotten what it was like. I've started to notice when I'm in a situation that brings a high level of anxiety, I feel complete dread, as well. Like when I went to the amusement park with my sister. We went on this ride that drops you from a very high altitude. I was so scared I almost started crying. This fear was real, yet what I think truly bothers me is experiences like that bring the memories of Cushing's back. Even if my heart races for a good reason, I am desperate to feel calm again. It's a very subtle feeling that I hadn't pinpointed until now. Below the surface of any of my emotions is that ingrained despair I used to feel all the time. I guess it's like a mild form of PTSD. I relive it. I am the happiest when I am the furthest removed from that time of my life. A lot of people post-op say they're "cured" because I think a lot of us never really feel all better. My muscles are the prime example. Not much new on that front other than I did go swimming and it was a bit relaxing. I managed to do laps for 30 mins with intermittent breaks and occasional use of a swimming board. I haven't gone back yet. My legs felt like jello afterwards and muscles I didn't realize I was working are sore. As for the rest of me, I'm on the sugar pills this week and it turns out I was really just spotting for over a month, because I was in a HUGE amount of pain yesterday. I had symptoms I didn't even know happened with PMS. I dare say this new birth control has only made it worse! I should be able to stand up and move when I'm menstruating, shouldn't I? I had thought my thyroid was making it unbearable until now. Now it occurs to me that my body hadn't been doing anything right for years. It's making up for lost time at the expense of my suffering. And I do think I need to change which 3-month brand I'm on. In regards to the photo above, those are the graves of my father's parents. I never met them. They both died before I was ever born. Thinking of my grandparents on both sides keeps me going sometimes. They remind me I want to grow old and have children. I want to be healthy and live long. That's why I don't give up when I'm down. I make myself exercise. I do my homework. All of my grandparents were taken away too early. Due to Alcoholism, Heart disease, and from depression. I don't want our family tree to be like that. In conclusion: psychology is a bitch, isn't it? And hormones are equally unpleasant.

How long does the muscle atrophy last? FOREVER

I haven't blogged since the spring, but I've got a few things to mull over today. The picture on the left is how I look on the outside, the picture on the right represents how I often feel on the inside. This was "old age" make-up for a class I was in. I am becoming so frustrated with my muscles that I will try anything to help them work. A few weeks ago someone commented on my vlog asking when they could expect their muscles to start feeling better after adrenal surgery. I honestly thought NEVER to myself. One of the biggest points of contention I still have with Cushing's is muscle weakness and soreness. It had only been 2 months since that person's surgery. It's been... wow. It's been 2 years and 6 months since I had my adrenal gland out! Of course, the more I think about it, the more I have to take into account that I was malnourished due to severe nausea for another year. Thanks, gallbladder. I drank protein shakes, but it doesn't completely substitute for real food. My thyroid flipped out during that time period, too. It has only just recently gotten to the level we want it at. So you could say I had setbacks. Even so, I never feel like I'm making a lot of headway. My lower back hurts if I have to sit up for long periods of time and stand for that matter. It's not something a massage will fix. I went to the chiropractor a few times when I was home with my parents. I'm just weak though. I made myself bike a lot last week, but then I had to take multiple days off. I realize I need to moderate, yet then I feel like I barely do anything. And it's not like I don't push through the pain. The muscles start to give out. Swimming will probably be more soothing. During the school year, I end up getting tired just from walking around campus. I had all these hours in the costume shop I narrowly finished. I still have scenery and lights to do that for. Anyway, it drives me nuts that my endocrinologist has no advice for me. Physical therapy? Whose going to pay for that and how am I going to get there? Other cushies told me I should check my Insulin-like growth factor. I guess that's a kind of protein/hormone in the body that promotes muscle growth. It's stimulated by growth hormones. I have no clue what's going on with me there, but my doctor is getting an earful at my physical. For the time being, I'll try taking a glutamine supplement which helps build proteins, as well. This is what was suggested to me by my fellow zebras. I already have vitamins and I've realized that if I want to regain muscles but also keep my weight down, I need to better manage my lifestyle. I'm eating, although not on a very good schedule. I'm sure I'm not eating enough protein. Diet may play more of a role than any exercise regiment can. The other thing I'm irritated with is my new birth control. I got prescribed Seasonique instead of Seasonale which turns out to be very different based on the symptoms I was having. The joy of womanhood has been visiting me constantly. Just about every muscle in me is stressed! This ongoing battle really depresses me at times because I want to be more active. I end up straying away from conversations because I need to sit down or I just go home. I may not say anything about it. I squirm in my chair or lean against things. I don't think others understand as I can walk. I don't grimace with every step and I'm not going to push it so far just to prove I'm in pain.