Who ya gonna call!?! For psychological ghosts?

I look at Cushing's like a ghost that haunts me. I know in my case it's probably never coming back, but I haven't forgotten what it was like. I've started to notice when I'm in a situation that brings a high level of anxiety, I feel complete dread, as well. Like when I went to the amusement park with my sister. We went on this ride that drops you from a very high altitude. I was so scared I almost started crying. This fear was real, yet what I think truly bothers me is experiences like that bring the memories of Cushing's back. Even if my heart races for a good reason, I am desperate to feel calm again. It's a very subtle feeling that I hadn't pinpointed until now. Below the surface of any of my emotions is that ingrained despair I used to feel all the time. I guess it's like a mild form of PTSD. I relive it. I am the happiest when I am the furthest removed from that time of my life. A lot of people post-op say they're "cured" because I think a lot of us never really feel all better. My muscles are the prime example. Not much new on that front other than I did go swimming and it was a bit relaxing. I managed to do laps for 30 mins with intermittent breaks and occasional use of a swimming board. I haven't gone back yet. My legs felt like jello afterwards and muscles I didn't realize I was working are sore. As for the rest of me, I'm on the sugar pills this week and it turns out I was really just spotting for over a month, because I was in a HUGE amount of pain yesterday. I had symptoms I didn't even know happened with PMS. I dare say this new birth control has only made it worse! I should be able to stand up and move when I'm menstruating, shouldn't I? I had thought my thyroid was making it unbearable until now. Now it occurs to me that my body hadn't been doing anything right for years. It's making up for lost time at the expense of my suffering. And I do think I need to change which 3-month brand I'm on. In regards to the photo above, those are the graves of my father's parents. I never met them. They both died before I was ever born. Thinking of my grandparents on both sides keeps me going sometimes. They remind me I want to grow old and have children. I want to be healthy and live long. That's why I don't give up when I'm down. I make myself exercise. I do my homework. All of my grandparents were taken away too early. Due to Alcoholism, Heart disease, and from depression. I don't want our family tree to be like that. In conclusion: psychology is a bitch, isn't it? And hormones are equally unpleasant.