Dear life lessons, I am 26 years old! You're confusing me!!!

I seem to be a little down this week. At least this is no longer considered a normal feeling for me. The weekend started off with me going overboard of course when I went out and then regretting it for the rest. I get so frustrated. I know I have to consider my choices differently, but I haven't been like this my whole life. I forget when I'm feeling decent especially. Getting a disease in your mid-20's is cruel in that respect. Becoming injured or ill is always cruel and I hate how people think I'm supposed to be better themselves, yet it's even more confusing for me psychologically at this age. I know everything about Cushing's and adrenal insufficiency like the back of my hand. I don't know how to cope with it sometimes. The other thing I continually seem to go through is a battle with my closet. When I fit into one shirt, I get excited and think I'm going to fit into ALL my clothes again. I get disappointed pretty quick when I realize there is maybe one or two items at best I can wear. To get back to my original point, I let my need for independence get in the way of me making the right choices. That's the only reason I can come up with for some of stupid things I do. I worked on a paper all day Monday. Yesterday I went to have a psyche evaluation done, since the school offered it to me. It wasn't really necessary, but I've never had one done. Why not? I admit I felt really sick by the end of it. I had to fill out this long questionnaire and it was giving me both a headache and stomachache. I conked out at home afterwards. I had a very unpleasant dream, too. It was one of those dreams where I woke up feeling crummy. I didn't exactly go to sleep cranky, but I suppose I felt sub-par at that point. It was dark the whole time and I felt very tired and disoriented. Anything good that happened in that dream was overshadowed by other things. There was something in particular about it that perplexed me. A prior experience I had in a relationship was played out. Even though it was a pleasant concept in general, my mind picked out the part of it that usually wasn't. Or rather, it was more for the other than for me. I woke up wondering why the scene was portrayed like that. I almost enjoyed it in the dream, though. I don't understand it in consciousness. Does it merely point out that I shouldn't lower my standards? Do I actually miss that? Or do I just miss the familiarity? I did spend some time explaining to the people yesterday that I often was lonely and have had to re-evaluate friendships. I don't know. It just surprised me. I was glad to wake up to sunlight. Now it's cloudy again. I still don't feel that great and can't seem to think of a good pick-me-upper. The upside is that my new roommate is definitely more compatible as a friend than prior ones. We watched a movie and I appreciate the company when she's not working. Here's to getting to the end of my week sooner than later! Maybe the next will be better.

My angry stomach, friendly grades, and a House episode!

I think I have been burdening my stomach too much. I honestly threw up something red the other night (blood?), but I'm hoping that's just a sign of something mild like an ulcer. I already know that can happen with Cushies in recovery. I read a case on it among other things. The problem is while homework has been taking up most of my time this summer so far, I still desire to socialize like a normal person. In fact, people are more than noticing that I've gotten smaller. The transition must be crazy to watch from an objective point of view. I don't know what to think about all the attention. That's not to say everybody is acting that way as I've already noted on numerous occasions. On another topic, I got the scare of my life this morning! I received an e-mail saying I was suspended from school and was super confused. I did more than what the Dean asked me to do. Turns out he just had to override it. The deal for me is to get adequate grades for two semesters- not one. When I told him about my wishes to go back to full-time status in the fall, he said if I did well in my summer classes I could! Also, he apparently talked to my English teacher about my situation and she said she'd prolong deadlines for me if needed. I'm actually taking a harder class than I was supposed to, but that's okay. Writing is something I excel at and I tend to crave challenges much to my body's chagrin obviously. Even though it's a lot of work, online is working out better for me. I can do my assignments at whatever time of day I want and don't have to leave the apartment usually. I do admit I haven't been sleeping right when I worry about getting everything in on time, however. I don't really understand my appetite at this point. I never know what to eat nor do I eat enough I'm sure. I should probably get more nausea medication, although my stomach now seems to hurt more in comparison to it being sour. Riding the bus is still awful because I have a tendency for car sickness that has clearly gotten worse in my current state. I bike usually if I have to go anywhere past the street I live on. I hate summer because the campus pool isn't open until mid-June! This is when I regret moving to a town with few lakes. I've floated down the river in the past, but it's a bit nerve-racking and not really exercise. Speaking of water, now that the boys moved out, I got to take a bath! The bathroom on my side is just a shower. A girl is moving in today and I think I snagged us some furniture from a friend. I'm looking forward to the transition and decorating. I enjoyed my few days of solitude, but it's a bit too empty. It's probably not safe for me to be alone so much either. Anyway, I'm not feeling too hot. I have a vocal rehearsal tonight and I desperately need a nap. I have to get that girl's key for her plus I should shower. Ugh... in Cushing's news, I finally watched that episode of House and it was genius. They even mention how it can cycle! While the emotional attributes could've been discussed better, it was well done. I also didn't like how painless her recovery seemed to be! I know that wasn't accurate!!! Go to this link and click the "start video now" button http://www.cucirca.com/2009/01/27/house-season-1-episode-16-heavy/

Doubt has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world...

My hormones have returned for another round. This month they weren't on time. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to end up blogging each time I have to feel hormonal at all. I know it's different, but once again the relatively normal side effects from being a girl make me feel like I have full-blown Cushing's. The worst part is the heightened anxiety or paranoia I tend to experience. It makes me doubt a lot of things. It makes me doubt people. I start to wonder if anyone is really my friend. It doesn't help that I've been very confused about a lot of situations lately. In fact, a lot of relationships have done 180's on me so that the Universe just doesn't seem to make sense now. Enemies are friends. Friends are enemies. I feel like I can trust someone one minute and not the next. I did a facebook sweep and can't say I miss anyone I unfriended. I deleted about 100 people. It'd really be nice if I felt like I had more genuine friends who aren't going to lapse on me either. I realize that might be a tall order, but I stand on my high horse occasionally. I do hope I'm on the path to making some better friends, too. I have a roommate moving in soon. I'd love to get to know some of the people I'm working with in the musical. I'd even make friends with the people in my online class if anyone was willing. The blunt fact is most people don't deserve the time I give them. I suppose I'm so gung-ho about understanding one another that I occasionally let myself get hurt more than I should. I've always had poor stamina in the face of alienation, too. Depending on the person and how close we are, I worry when I don't speak with them often. It's the hormones that push me over the edge, though. I actually had a lovely weekend. I had a reconnection with someone and generally had luck on my side. Many good things happened to me and the best part was that I truly felt like I'm still pretty in my eyes and others. Plenty of people compliment me, but the last time I was told I looked nice in a manner that isn't a routine comment hasn't happened for a while. People say, "you look good, you look good". They don't say, "you're gorgeous". It's not that I think they're lying to me, yet there is a difference in context. I wonder if that sweatshirt in the photo above would actually fit me again. I gave it to my skinny sister a long time ago. Anyway, I felt like writing because I was just lying awake as my insecurities slowly fed on me. Doubts and obscure hormone levels are unpleasant at the best of times. I wish it was as simple as being able to just rationalize them away, but I know by now that that's not how chemical imbalances work. I still don't work right. I've made a point to carry extra Cortisol pills on me, wear my medID and eat sugar and salt when I am doing anything that weakens me. I probably won't faint again, although I didn't believe I could beforehand either. To some degree, it's my own choice to stay here where I have less friends to directly lean on when I have a weak moment. If I wasn't in that musical, I'd be home. Or somewhere else. It means entirely too much to me. Cast these torments out of my head. I hope it's merely my imagination that things are out of control in my world and with friends. While I'm on the topic, I also meet a lot of companions who seem to conclude that I'm better off without them. I always thought that's a weird decision to make without consulting the actual person in question. You could almost call it a pet-peeve of mine. I don't like being left in the dark or being ignored. It's a silly, cowardly thing to do to someone. "Honesty is such a lonely word".

Sailor Moon & company are not fat! And neither are you!

So I hate to nark on my favorite show, but there are some things about Sailor Moon and weight that beg to be questioned. While for the most part, the message about having some weight is positive, sometimes they have fallen short. I do have to take into consideration that the show is over 20 years old among other things. However, if the Sailor Moon below is fat, then we are all fat 24/7. Again, usually the message is good. At one point in the series Mamoru (the main love interest) is quoted saying "a girl's beauty isn't limited to her looks". My point is the girls don't look overweight to begin with. Now, it's alright to talk about exercising and eating well so you don't get to an unhealthy point. In  the episode Usagi will teach you how to lose weight!, Usagi is seen eating a lot of junk food at multiple points. They also try to point out that the enemy is taking advantage of these irrational insecurities by opening up an evil gym. He tells "the chubby one" (for the record I think she's cute) that she can lose weight and even the skinny ones can! They look haggard afterwards, not pretty. The teacher becomes "too skinny" as Sailor Moon's counterpart, Luna the cat, points out. Usagi starves herself until she faints. The other love interest tells her she "doesn't need to be on a diet. If anything, you should gain some weight". Then Luna acts like if she eats a few dumplings she'll automatically gain pounds. Mamoru says "at least you won't gain as much" when she throws one at him. Point being that there's some back and forth discrepancies to note. I've read other debates over how Luna and Mamoru were just teasing Usagi. That's some pretty cruel teasing if you ask me. The worst part is when Luna draws a picture of a huge Usagi in 6 months time. If this was junior high school and a student was caught drawing that, they'd be reprimanded. At the end of the episode Sailor Moon says,"Girls who want to lose weight are strong!". Even with the want part thrown in there, I struggle to see the goodness of the message shine through. I actually have more annoyance towards the episode of the 4th season named Aim for the Prima! Usagi's Ballet. She has very minor love handles and everyone keeps telling her she's gotten fat and should go on a diet. The possessed skirt that gets thrown at her during a fight rips off because her body stretched it out. Give me a break! Throw a tutu at her in her size next time! They didn't address the issue at all in that episode. Sailor Moon has many good messages about  loving one another and such. Most of the weight comments are made in jest. Of course, I've started to realize the word fat can be just as harmful as other slurs. I'm sure some people used to think it was funny to tease me about my acne when I was a teenager. It never was for me. Even calling yourself fat keeps the stigma alive. While I wanted to clear up my skin, I eventually learned that it wasn't something to be ashamed of. It sucked, but it wasn't my fault. I did everything to try to tone it down. To point out one GOOD thing in regards to looks: in the 2nd season episode A huge shock for Usagi! Mamoru declares a break up, Usagi asks the store clerk if make-up would make Mamoru take her back. The clerk (who is the enemy) says "yes, he'll love you again!" Usagi immediately rejects it and says, "Mamoru is not like that!" Anyway, I love Sailor Moon and she looks fine in all these screen shots. Part of it is her character being ridiculous in season 1, yet there are also blatant, wrongful accusations in season 4 that are not worth the screen time!!!

Continuing to feel like a fish out of water! R.I.P. Dexterity

Recovery continues to be a drag when I try to do too much too quickly. I've gone back to my original dose of Cortisol if I didn't already mention that. I have to admit I feel better energy-wise, but it goes to show this is going to take some time and it's not easy to shake the dependence on it. I lead a somewhat busy life, so it's hard to even get to a doctor. My digestive issues have gotten bad enough for me to worry from time to time if something is more than a little wrong. I went swimming this weekend and that went okay. But I encountered something very frustrating when I decided to use the diving boards. I was shocked when my friend's scale said I lost another 10lbs. I thought it was lying. The reason I didn't believe it is because my skin still hangs quite a bit. When I got measured for my musical costume, they asked me what my bra size is and I didn't know what to say. I told them a size bigger than what I'm wearing, because what I currently wear doesn't fit right. Anyway, with the shrinking of my flab, I was excited to do some old tricks off the high dive like I used to. I took 13 years of gymnastics, so it's fun for me to do flips and the like. Ironically, a fellow Cushie said "she'd be doing cartwheels" if she lost as much weight as I have. It's not about the numbers though. It's the way I look in general. And it's not that I look bad but I want to be the me I used to be. A friend commented that I look like I haven't been eating. I told him this is the way I'm supposed to look considering my diet and habits. He's just never seen it. I got up to the top of the high dive and it was HIGH. I'm not scared of heights, I didn't have my glasses on, but it wasn't the height that bothered me. I was wobbly, unbalanced. It took all I could to not fall instead of jump. I tried more than once to get up there and do a flip, but it was no use. For me, it was very disheartening. I used to be so agile and fit like a monkey. I can't describe how sad I was. Being fit has always been apart of who I am. Only 2 years ago I could've done that easily and enjoyed it. There's a freedom when you can float in the air like that, yet I just felt like I was plummeting clumsily to my death every time. My coordination and my confidence is shot in regards to working my body the way I want to. Also, my mom has figured out what probably happened to me when I fainted. We think I was hypoglycemic. She said it makes you really hungry (which had been my main complaint beforehand), it gives you the digestive problems I'm having, and alcohol is a big no-no. I had a few beers before it happened. That's why it took the paramedics so long to believe I hadn't had more than I said. My pulse was also ridiculously high! Low Glucose links directly to low Cortisol. It makes perfect sense. She reminded me that my protein levels were below normal last time they checked, too. This only proves how healthy I am normally. With a small stock of adrenaline, I'm overly healthy. Maybe I would be doing better if I was used to this at all. It's finals week and then I'm going to take some online summer courses. Was glad to see that as an option, although my computer seems to be overheating a lot. Ta-ta from the Barrister of Munchkinland!

Endocrinology in history? Abraham Lincoln had cancer?

I was watching a show about some of the theories out there over President Lincoln's health. People claim he had something called Marfan's syndrome which made him really tall among other things. It is also proposed "that Lincoln and several of his family members had a hereditary cancer syndrome called multiple endocrine neoplasia, type 2B (MEN2B)". Okay, hold the phone! The reason I find this ridiculously intriguing is because I've always thought my DAD looks a lot like the former leader of our nation. I would post photo comparisons if I had them on hand. I don't know anyone who looks more like Lincoln than my dad. I'm not saying my father has cancer. I'm saying I've heard of MEN types before since I have Cushing's and have wondered if my family has MEN1 in particular. I mean, we made jokes that my dad had Addison's (practically the polar opposite of Cushing's) when we first started reading up on endocrine problems. I used to be extremely skinny just like him. I always thought that I was just like him and would always have my health going for me. Maybe I need to redefine the word "healthy". Somebody once told me it's lucky for a girl to look like her father, especially in Russian culture? I googled the concept and it supposedly means from a scientific standpoint that I have an equal amount of both mother and father genes. That I'm less likely to contract hereditary diseases. Excuse me while I snort a little ironic laugh to myself. My dad is only healthier in comparison to my mom in a few respects. Doesn't seem like luck was much more in my favor either way. It's weird to think endocrine maladies are perhaps quite common yet unknown of even within my history textbooks from high school. Another celebrity in time was diagnosed with steroid-induced Cushing's! The king Mr. Elvis Presley! "Hospital tests established that Elvis had hepatitis, an enlarged liver (possible from painkillers) and Cushing's Syndrome. That last was a hormonal disease that caused bloating, and was down to the many steroids he had been taking to combat the asthma that ran in the family and his ongoing colon problems". They said heart problems were in the genes, as well. Henry VIII is another mentioned candidate. I suppose most of it is just speculation and fun to consider. The Elvis thing makes sense to me. Sounds like the man never slept for days and was always hungry. IBS, prediabetes, high BP, panic attacks, the list continues! Then I discovered an artist on the east coast who has a very similar story to mine! It's really comforting to discover these people for me! Strange how I haven't come across any girls. I know woman in history who may have had Addison's or adrenal insufficiency like Jane Austen or that the Mexican artist Frida Kahlo could've had PCOS. Notice how most of these people are into the arts? I was meant to follow the road less traveled and be crazy creative. I prefer less of the "bitch" mentality though and the ADHD. I also find it really dumb that many made comments on the article about Elvis as being degrading; to talk about his faults in body and mind. If we don't even talk about these things how are people ever going to know these things exist!?! I understand the need for privacy, yet I find this all very enlightening and empowering. Why is it wrong for Elvis to have had problems with drugs or whatever especially considering he had health problems that haunted him? I don't get it. It doesn't make him less of a man or idol in my book. No one blatantly said he was a horrible man. Sigh, but that's how people take it. Being physically big, having lapses in judgement from depression, developing things like Cushing's is considered a disgrace. It's not the man he was. That's right! He had a malady of issues that changed who he was! This doesn't make the musical career he had and his youth less valid. It validates him more. Sickness is a good thing when it comes to explaining a person's weakness. Everyone is weak. Why is it so terrible to say that about a celebrity? He wasn't being mocked, he was human, and being sick weakened him more. It's not an attack on his character. If anything, it should confirm he was very ill in the end and that caused a transformation that was more outward than inward. He's still a legend. I respect him more if he was suffering and that unearthed bad behaviors as opposed to him just being immoral or insane or lazy. Ah, and yet one more actor named Travis Micheal Holder. He reportedly had Sarcoidosis, took Prednisone, and had "a severe muscle and joint syndrome called Cushing's disease". He had to use a cane and got cataracts. I know there was one woman in recent news who was a model or something and had Cushing's. Don't remember her name. I can mostly thank other Cushies for most of this info. It's very fascinating and clearly there's a lot to be said about the need for spokesmanship- famous or not. Such illnesses are not a crime either. It happens and should be addressed better in society.

Speaking of health care and pre-existing conditions...

I don't usually go on political rants, but when I flipped by C-span I heard the words "food stamps" and listened to the rest of the debate. I apparently don't like Georgia representative Rob Woodall. His thoughts on making stipulations for stamps higher bothers me. I don't doubt some people cheat the system, but I bet you the ones that cheat aren't at the bottom, so his battle plan is backwards. Taking away the little food stamps people get will help the debt system but burden the people who need to eat. Just to be clear: I have food stamps and I don't get much. It's called balancing your checkbook. Plus talk about bad timing. You don't take away aid for something that is essential to life during economic strife. I'm not saying never implement a cut, but not right now. I know from experience it would be harmful.Then I found a video about health care. He's clearly never had any serious illnesses and had to pay for them. Do employers not realize that sometimes people don't buy insurance because they can't afford it? If they can't even afford that, how does one afford private? Not to mention if you don't have a full-time job, then there aren't any benefits offered. Many people take the gamble without the net sadly. I've seen friends not go to the doctor or hospital when they should. Even I've done it. I still do it knowing I have ONE weak adrenal gland! It costs so much to ride in an ambulance or stay at a hospital! I was in one for two days for my surgery and we paid a thousand or more out of pocket. I bet we've paid a semester of tuition by now with my medical bills. And I don't know everything about "Obamacare" but I do know it let me stay on my parent's insurance longer. Considering that non-traditional college students are on the rise, it only makes sense that I should keep theirs until I am on my own two feet. Even so I would've lost it this month if it weren't for health issues. Not really the greatest reasons to be able to keep it but I digress. Also, regarding pre-existing conditions, I always thought it was weird that there's an age cut off. I didn't have Cushing's before I was 18, but I have it now. I may have a secondary illness the rest of my life. It's pre-existing from this day out. I also find it crazy that it would actually get me less care if I technically was. Nobody wants to insure a sick person. I thought insurance was there to protect the unhealthy? Anyway, being sick is no picnic. The burden medical bills impose is like a raid of fire ants consuming that checkered blanket and basket of foods. If you want to go to a guy like we do for alternative health, nothing covers that. The specialist I go to? I couldn't get an appointment if I lacked a health coverage plan. As for food stamps, I personally make good use of those. I'm eating a ton better (when I eat) and with a metabolic disorder, that's important. Anyway, recall Walker- as I live in Wisconsin. Happy to say my insurance is Minnesota-based. Also, I think it's funny that Obama made a very calculating move with the gay marriage thing. Good show, but he did it on purpose for the youth re-vote.

A triumph over my body! A happy update!!!

While I have gone back to my original Hormone replacement dosage after fainting (square one as it were), at least I showed Cushing's it won't take away my life in the theater business! I had my heart set on auditioning for the Wizard of Oz musical at the local theater. Despite a minor soar throat, a low grade fever, and my limbs begging to give up, I went full force; attempting to snag the lead role of Dorothy. I got into the chorus and am just as excited. I haven't been in a show in over two years. The sicker I've gotten, the less I've done. My potential is not being sqaundered! I'm so happy to say I won this round, Cushing's. Even if it's going to be difficult and painful, I'm ready to show people what I'm really made of. You'd be surprised how un-affectionate most people still are towards me. Even knowing I'm recovering from a disease that made me do strange things, they still think it's more ME than any tumor. Where is the respect in this world? You don't look or act exactly how you should and you get ridiculed and are made to feel unworthy of anything. I had an organ taken out, people. It's serious. Start taking me more seriously or get out of my life. On the other hand, there are people who truly give me support and realize I've been through some things I couldn't manage properly. Thank you again, you know who you are. Considering the rising obesity rate, I am finding more and more reasons to advocate for these kinds of diseases. You can get skinny from a disease, so why can't the same be true for becoming overweight? Why do people not understand this? Is it just because thin is considered good-looking in our society and fat isn't? Is that why people are so quick to judge? Even I thought I was pregnant, depressed, or somehow destroying myself with bad habits. Considering, as my mom puts it, "this is the daughter who eats fish and vegetables", how could I almost be diabetic? How could my blood pressure be so high when I rarely eat sweets? I walk and bike everywhere. Why would I grow a big belly and go from smalls to larges in attire? CUSHING's! Cushing's! I have stretch marks from rapidly gaining weight. That is not normal no matter how you look at it. I ask where your soul is if you don't care?

Click here to read a wonderful article under the topic: WEIGHTY MATTERS!

Some "Cushie-like" humor:

Yet another stint with emergency personnel :(

It wasn't adrenal insufficiency this time that brought paramedics to my door. My legs finally gave out and I hit my head equaling unconscious Vanessa. The worst part about this experience is that the EMTs did not believe a word I said. They thought I was drunk because I had a couple empty beer bottles in my room. And they had no idea what Cushing's was! Maybe if I had said I was having an adrenal crisis they would've understood? I got so fed up I told them to call my mom so she could reiterate it all. They asked me why I had so many pills. Once again, because I have a REAL medical condition. I said, "read the labels. They're prescribed to me. Or they're vitamins".  I'm not a pill popper. I kept telling them they could check my vital signs and blood alcohol content. Everything was perfectly normal when they finally did. I don't think they took anything to heart until they talked to my mom. There I was in pain, not being able to stand and I had to defend myself like a criminal. I couldn't just say I have a condition and get some understanding. They had never heard of Cushing's. It hurts to walk anywhere today, although I guess I have my proof that my muscles are worse than they would seem. I also kept telling them if I didn't have a concussion, I was fine and needed to get to bed. Cause I still went to class this morning! I'm lucky I don't have one, but if I had thank god my roommates found me right away. I could've died... how many times do I have to get this bad before someone listens! I mean, it's really scary when the medics don't even get it. I read a horrible article once about someone who had died from adrenal crisis because paramedics didn't know the kid needed Cortisol. I'm glad I wasn't having a crisis, because maybe the same would've happened to me. How many times do I have to worry my family and friends? My poor mother. At least she talked some sense into the "doctors". She also agrees that I need to go to a different specialist because my digestion is not any better. I keep trying not to think about how close I came to being seriously injured. One more thing: my sister with the prediabetes had an unusual spike in her white blood count and our family doctor has no idea why. It's about at the same levels mine used to constantly be at. She's sleeping a lot WITHOUT he medications. She has more stretch marks. What on earth is happening to her? Does she have Cyclic Cushing's? Is that why we haven't seen high Cortisol results again? It was pretty damn high once. I hear Cushies talk about the "golden standard" test not being so golden. Because the golden standard of the 24-hour urine test has flopped two times already with her. Anyway, I was scared and not being taken seriously. I told the damn cop to look it up when he got home. I am beside myself here.

1-2-3. One carefully placed baby step at a time...

I'm developing a fear of stairs. I don't mean when I see stairs I immediately panic. I just find it harder and harder to walk down them without feeling like I'm about to lose my footing and plummet to the bottom. In class today we had a presentation that called for "trust falls". My face went stark. I considered sitting out. Nobody would've given me trouble if I just admitted my legs were weak. I instead excused myself to go get my jacket I left in the computer lab earlier. I generally don't like to refrain from anything even if it's challenging. That said, anything more than simple balancing activities is a bit disturbing for me right now. My muscles are working overtime to strengthen. I feel it. Going up stairs sucks, too, but it seems like there's less gravity to worry about. It hurts, but it's plenty endurable. It's more a fear that they're going to give out, because sometimes my legs shake from working too hard. This is another part of Cushing's I've gotten some heat over. Someone else posted things you shouldn't say to people with chronic illnesses and one was "you can't be in that much pain". I took that one to heart. Since I'm not on crutches, not completely devoid of the ability to walk, I don't qualify as inhibited. It's not even that I expect help. It's the principle of the matter; that many don't acknowledge or believe it's what it is. People barely comprehend what a disease like this does to your body. There's a lot of things in the world people don't understand and it breeds negativity when it's not addressed. I've also heard people complain that doctors wait for the symptoms to get worse as patients watch their bodies deteriorate fully knowing what the problem is and wanting to fix it before it does more damage. Really? House M.D. would be all over that shit. I've often said it's no fun to feel like you're on an episode of House. Well, at least that guy would listen to me more readily if I presented with anything slightly odd. The mid-ground is a terrible place to be. On a somewhat related note, I had a very unpleasant dream. I was a bit agitated by some things last night so I'm not surprised I had a nightmare, but my mind conjured up quite a creepy scenario. I had a dream I was babysitting a couple babies. Yeah, not children, babies. I'm not particularly well practiced in the area of infants. I dreamt they were on a teeter-totter and they fell off, hitting their heads! Baby heads are very soft. It was a tad graphic. I don't know what head injuries directly reflect in my mind, but they are scary. I've only had  a few dreams about them. Quite mortifying. I felt like I had dropped them, even though I hadn't really done that. I just hadn't kept them safe from falling. I've read about Shaken Baby Syndrome for childcare jobs. Words can't describe how I feel about it. It happens more often than it should, partially from a lack of education. Maybe it was just symbolism for misunderstandings in my world. Come to think of it they resembled my baby sisters. I've had plenty of thoughts about whether or not I should have a child, as well. Babies represent innocence, a need for attention. Dropping something expresses regret in being careless. I'm probably blaming myself about something(s) when I shouldn't be. In regards to Cushing's, many are made to feel like they must've done something wrong. Too emotional, too indulgent, too slow. Far from what they're trying to be or who they are in normal conditions. I believe it's in our genes. They're trying to augment the genes of parents with Autistic children. They probably look to that measure with various defects in humans. I'm sure babies hold strong connotations in my view of things and Cushing's, along with attacks to the Cranium.

Size MATTERS! Check out some photos and numbers!

                                       I went from a 9 to a size 16 swim suit (S to XXL)

From a 6 to an 8 pant's size (belt from 1 nitch to 3)

Once a 36C to God knows what now (double D? more?)

Even my shoes went from 9 to a wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide 10

And my glasses need to be tightened! Keep falling off my face!

I once weighed 115. I currently weigh 150 pounds after losing 20

It was not caused by eating or sitting around. It is because of CUSHING'S!

Now some of me is "fat" and some of me isn't. It's very awkward to find clothes that fit right.

Will I ever even out? Only time will tell. Time I wish I didn't have to waste.

       my thighs literally bursted out of my jeans                allergic reaction to prednisone

                                      or just an autoimmune response. not sure which.