I'm developing a fear of stairs. I don't mean when I see stairs I immediately panic. I just find it harder and harder to walk down them without feeling like I'm about to lose my footing and plummet to the bottom. In class today we had a presentation that called for "trust falls". My face went stark. I considered sitting out. Nobody would've given me trouble if I just admitted my legs were weak. I instead excused myself to go get my jacket I left in the computer lab earlier. I generally don't like to refrain from anything even if it's challenging. That said, anything more than simple balancing activities is a bit disturbing for me right now. My muscles are working overtime to strengthen. I feel it. Going up stairs sucks, too, but it seems like there's less gravity to worry about. It hurts, but it's plenty endurable. It's more a fear that they're going to give out, because sometimes my legs shake from working too hard. This is another part of Cushing's I've gotten some heat over. Someone else posted things you shouldn't say to people with chronic illnesses and one was "you can't be in that much pain". I took that one to heart. Since I'm not on crutches, not completely devoid of the ability to walk, I don't qualify as inhibited. It's not even that I expect help. It's the principle of the matter; that many don't acknowledge or believe it's what it is. People barely comprehend what a disease like this does to your body. There's a lot of things in the world people don't understand and it breeds negativity when it's not addressed. I've also heard people complain that doctors wait for the symptoms to get worse as patients watch their bodies deteriorate fully knowing what the problem is and wanting to fix it before it does more damage. Really? House M.D. would be all over that shit. I've often said it's no fun to feel like you're on an episode of House. Well, at least that guy would listen to me more readily if I presented with anything slightly odd. The mid-ground is a terrible place to be. On a somewhat related note, I had a very unpleasant dream. I was a bit agitated by some things last night so I'm not surprised I had a nightmare, but my mind conjured up quite a creepy scenario. I had a dream I was babysitting a couple babies. Yeah, not children, babies. I'm not particularly well practiced in the area of infants. I dreamt they were on a teeter-totter and they fell off, hitting their heads! Baby heads are very soft. It was a tad graphic. I don't know what head injuries directly reflect in my mind, but they are scary. I've only had a few dreams about them. Quite mortifying. I felt like I had dropped them, even though I hadn't really done that. I just hadn't kept them safe from falling. I've read about Shaken Baby Syndrome for childcare jobs. Words can't describe how I feel about it. It happens more often than it should, partially from a lack of education. Maybe it was just symbolism for misunderstandings in my world. Come to think of it they resembled my baby sisters. I've had plenty of thoughts about whether or not I should have a child, as well. Babies represent innocence, a need for attention. Dropping something expresses regret in being careless. I'm probably blaming myself about something(s) when I shouldn't be. In regards to Cushing's, many are made to feel like they must've done something wrong. Too emotional, too indulgent, too slow. Far from what they're trying to be or who they are in normal conditions. I believe it's in our genes. They're trying to augment the genes of parents with Autistic children. They probably look to that measure with various defects in humans. I'm sure babies hold strong connotations in my view of things and Cushing's, along with attacks to the Cranium.
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