I seem to be a little down this week. At least this is no longer considered a normal feeling for me. The weekend started off with me going overboard of course when I went out and then regretting it for the rest. I get so frustrated. I know I have to consider my choices differently, but I haven't been like this my whole life. I forget when I'm feeling decent especially. Getting a disease in your mid-20's is cruel in that respect. Becoming injured or ill is always cruel and I hate how people think I'm supposed to be better themselves, yet it's even more confusing for me psychologically at this age. I know everything about Cushing's and adrenal insufficiency like the back of my hand. I don't know how to cope with it sometimes. The other thing I continually seem to go through is a battle with my closet. When I fit into one shirt, I get excited and think I'm going to fit into ALL my clothes again. I get disappointed pretty quick when I realize there is maybe one or two items at best I can wear. To get back to my original point, I let my need for independence get in the way of me making the right choices. That's the only reason I can come up with for some of stupid things I do. I worked on a paper all day Monday. Yesterday I went to have a psyche evaluation done, since the school offered it to me. It wasn't really necessary, but I've never had one done. Why not? I admit I felt really sick by the end of it. I had to fill out this long questionnaire and it was giving me both a headache and stomachache. I conked out at home afterwards. I had a very unpleasant dream, too. It was one of those dreams where I woke up feeling crummy. I didn't exactly go to sleep cranky, but I suppose I felt sub-par at that point. It was dark the whole time and I felt very tired and disoriented. Anything good that happened in that dream was overshadowed by other things. There was something in particular about it that perplexed me. A prior experience I had in a relationship was played out. Even though it was a pleasant concept in general, my mind picked out the part of it that usually wasn't. Or rather, it was more for the other than for me. I woke up wondering why the scene was portrayed like that. I almost enjoyed it in the dream, though. I don't understand it in consciousness. Does it merely point out that I shouldn't lower my standards? Do I actually miss that? Or do I just miss the familiarity? I did spend some time explaining to the people yesterday that I often was lonely and have had to re-evaluate friendships. I don't know. It just surprised me. I was glad to wake up to sunlight. Now it's cloudy again. I still don't feel that great and can't seem to think of a good pick-me-upper. The upside is that my new roommate is definitely more compatible as a friend than prior ones. We watched a movie and I appreciate the company when she's not working. Here's to getting to the end of my week sooner than later! Maybe the next will be better.
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