Doubt has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world...

My hormones have returned for another round. This month they weren't on time. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to end up blogging each time I have to feel hormonal at all. I know it's different, but once again the relatively normal side effects from being a girl make me feel like I have full-blown Cushing's. The worst part is the heightened anxiety or paranoia I tend to experience. It makes me doubt a lot of things. It makes me doubt people. I start to wonder if anyone is really my friend. It doesn't help that I've been very confused about a lot of situations lately. In fact, a lot of relationships have done 180's on me so that the Universe just doesn't seem to make sense now. Enemies are friends. Friends are enemies. I feel like I can trust someone one minute and not the next. I did a facebook sweep and can't say I miss anyone I unfriended. I deleted about 100 people. It'd really be nice if I felt like I had more genuine friends who aren't going to lapse on me either. I realize that might be a tall order, but I stand on my high horse occasionally. I do hope I'm on the path to making some better friends, too. I have a roommate moving in soon. I'd love to get to know some of the people I'm working with in the musical. I'd even make friends with the people in my online class if anyone was willing. The blunt fact is most people don't deserve the time I give them. I suppose I'm so gung-ho about understanding one another that I occasionally let myself get hurt more than I should. I've always had poor stamina in the face of alienation, too. Depending on the person and how close we are, I worry when I don't speak with them often. It's the hormones that push me over the edge, though. I actually had a lovely weekend. I had a reconnection with someone and generally had luck on my side. Many good things happened to me and the best part was that I truly felt like I'm still pretty in my eyes and others. Plenty of people compliment me, but the last time I was told I looked nice in a manner that isn't a routine comment hasn't happened for a while. People say, "you look good, you look good". They don't say, "you're gorgeous". It's not that I think they're lying to me, yet there is a difference in context. I wonder if that sweatshirt in the photo above would actually fit me again. I gave it to my skinny sister a long time ago. Anyway, I felt like writing because I was just lying awake as my insecurities slowly fed on me. Doubts and obscure hormone levels are unpleasant at the best of times. I wish it was as simple as being able to just rationalize them away, but I know by now that that's not how chemical imbalances work. I still don't work right. I've made a point to carry extra Cortisol pills on me, wear my medID and eat sugar and salt when I am doing anything that weakens me. I probably won't faint again, although I didn't believe I could beforehand either. To some degree, it's my own choice to stay here where I have less friends to directly lean on when I have a weak moment. If I wasn't in that musical, I'd be home. Or somewhere else. It means entirely too much to me. Cast these torments out of my head. I hope it's merely my imagination that things are out of control in my world and with friends. While I'm on the topic, I also meet a lot of companions who seem to conclude that I'm better off without them. I always thought that's a weird decision to make without consulting the actual person in question. You could almost call it a pet-peeve of mine. I don't like being left in the dark or being ignored. It's a silly, cowardly thing to do to someone. "Honesty is such a lonely word".