The mascot of the future!!!

By golly, it's the last day of this challenge! While I have not posted every day, I have posted 30 things. Honestly, I have more ideas and won't necessarily stop blogging here. I'm really glad I did this challenge. Reaching out to other Cushies has woken me up to the good I can do in raising awareness for this disease. I'm not going to sit idly by when and if I beat this. It's not like I'm afraid of leadership considering a lot of things I've done in the past, although that is precisely yet another thing Cushing's tried to steal from me! Something I used to be very good at and worked towards being; an out-going person whom others could go to for help. My anxiety has been through the roof in the past few years. I intend to take my confidence back and lead a parade once more. I don't want Cushing's to rain on anyone else's parade. I have no doubt in my heart that I will be starting some sort of committee on campus next year. There will be obvious fliers next time. I am so mad that something like this exists and nobody knows a damn thing about it. Having an autistic sister, I was always on the side of not judging others, but personally experiencing such a crippling lack of self control makes that feeling even stronger. If this is the way my sister feels (if not worse), I love her even more for the wide strides she takes everyday. People should be aware that the phrase "anything is possible" goes both ways. My first post was about a mascot for Cushing's. I said it was like a unicorn. Something that is considered to be a myth. Now consider this: anyone who made up that myth based it on something real. Mermaids were based on manatees they say. The idea exists. Cushing's is very real, especially for the people it directly affects. In the end of this journey, I don't want to be a unicorn, a mermaid, or a sea horse. I want to be a pegasus soaring above all this mayhem. It's very hard to see that end at times, but that is the place I want to be. The photo is of me 3 years ago. I'm still about 30lbs away from her. Time to regrow my wings, even if I have to sleep 12 hours a night. That has seemed to be my only resolution to the sleeping problem right now. Needing 12 hours isn't a new thing either. I have always felt like I required a lot of sleep. Maybe that's the only way my body knows how to fight effectively. Don't ever call someone lazy without the full story. You never know if they might have a tumor growing inside them among other things. You don't know if they have lupus. Or a mental disorder. You just don't know, so don't pretend like you do. Everyone is fighting a battle and grasping for their wings.

Recovery is like becoming a submerged horse

To keep up with my horse metaphor and since I keep whining so much about the recovery process, let's talk about the little I've read/heard on the topic. Trying to recover from Cushing's is like being a sea horse instead of a unicorn. Or a mermaid! What do I know about being above water? Very little and those people above water don't know how to pull me back up either. They might catch a snag or two. I've read that Sarcoidosis or other immune recovery syndromes have been noted after surgery. From what I gather, it's the immune system overreacting after being suppressed for so long. It may attack itself. I get red bumps from time to time. Maybe I'm allergic to myself so to speak. Also, every time I read about symptoms I still have I see hypothyroidism. I'm continuing to notice a difference in taste and smell. My smell is more acute and I sometimes experience phantom smells? I already explained that things taste a little less appealing. This can be a sign of headaches, vitamin deficiency, or hypothyroidism. Insomnia can be a sign of hypothyroidism. Seeing the pattern? I'm starting to think the thyroid gets all the attention! The adrenals and other endocrine organs don't have a chance. If someone ever asks you if you have a thyroid problem, check your other glands!!  Perhaps I don't have a low thyroid, but all these diseases I've listed are commonly mentioned as something that happens after Cushing's. I hear the word Hashimoto's thrown around the Cushie community often, too. That's a hypothyroid thing. I just hope my Endo is going to consider these things in the future, especially because I have a sister with similar qualities. Plenty of digestive and other issues have been  reported, as well. Stomach ulcers, gastroenteritis- to name a few. There is practically no information on this matter. It's no wonder I get edgy sometimes despite successful surgery as far as we can tell. If you think having it is rare, try getting over it. Because what I hear people complain about the most is it coming back, or experiencing continuous problems anyway. I don't feel like I have the whole me back. I was just so relieved at first to not feel like crying every 10 minutes, being able to concentrate at a much higher level, and getting my even-keeled voice back. I don't mean to be bitter, but I sometimes have dreams about the past when I should look to the future. I remember when things made sense, when I made sense. Recovery is a no bounds area. I don't know anything aside from the sea floor now and it's kind of lame here. In conclusion, I give an un-hearty smirk when someone asks if I'm better. I need another pamphlet altogether for that answer. Another Cushie was complaining that nobody keeps track of your progress after surgery. How are they supposed to know what recovery is like? It's a good point. No doctor has had ANY advice.

Best theory I've found: Acute sarcoidosis (Loefgren’s syndrome) and immune reconstitution

(I think this is actually just some person's paper. At least they are taking the time to consider this issue since as I've said before, I haven't seen many doctors doing it in general if at all...)

Which direction am I really heading?

Door 1: Recovery             Door 2: Relapse

If you've been wondering where I've been, I slept most of my weekend away. I could barely sleep for the entire week in comparison. Sometimes I feel better and sometimes I feel like there must be tumors all over my body. Maybe I need to lower my Cortisol- of course I'm afraid to do that. I still have 3 weeks of school left and an audition I want to do well enough in to get a decent role or any role. I still feel a bit more emotional than I'd prefer, too. Is it just general frustration? It's really hard for me to tell. I haven't been to any doctors recently. I couldn't tell you how I'm doing based on blood work at all. I don't know how much I weigh. I eat in small amounts. If I don't sleep well, I feel very sick to my stomach and have headaches. My skin is still dry and itchy. Something's bothering me and I assume it's just the redundancy of being sick. Or maybe it's that I think people give me the courageous label, which gets lonely. I'm not always miss perfect. To deflect that loneliness, check out the link below to a map of others with Cushing's. Five adrenal cases so far!

Click here to see all the Cushing's patients out there!

My birthday and what that means to me and Mo...

At the risk of sounding like a Debbie-downer, I want to talk about something very serious that happened to a friend of mine going on 4 years ago. Her birthday was exactly a month before mine, so I tend to think of her on this day. If you caught the was part, you see where I'm going. My friend was in a drunken hit-and-run that she did not survive. It was instantaneous. Not only was she a harmless pedestrian crossing the street, but the driver in question ran a red light at 80mph and already had 2 DWI's under her belt. She had no right to be driving. You might be wondering what this has to do with Cushing's? I want to convey what grief does to a person and how it puts stress on an already stressed body and mind. My mom says that I was never really the same after she died. It seemed to take a toll on me in some strange ways. I had this fear of crossing the street that bordered panic attacks. In retrospect, I don't think it was just my friend's death causing it. I already had Cushing's symptoms that were coming out of the woodwork in light of the trauma I felt. When it first happened, I had one friend in particular who hovered over me like a hawk or I probably would've just sat in my room all day staring at the wall. He made me go to class and I spent more time in his dorm than mine. This was one of many relationships to come where I'd cling to them like I had nothing else to keep me well. I imagined what happened acutely. I seemed to obsess about it at night. I withdrew from one class and then applied to transfer to a different college. I felt like it was the change I'd been needing for a long time. Fight or flight? I tried to do everything right. I went to a counselor. I asked for study advice from the academic help center. Somehow, I still flunked out at this new school I wanted to be at enough to leave my old friends behind. I retained information better when I wasn't stressed or tired, which wasn't often. Many people thought I was flaky, lazy, inconsiderate and immature. None of these words sound like who I pride myself on being. It was more like I was trying to avoid debilitating stress even if it was a responsibility or something I'd chosen to do. I couldn't seem to avoid crashing despite doing little. I used to get by at least. I had migraines and got worse at sleeping. How was I supposed to know it wasn't just grief or depression or tough classes? My life came down to distractions. If I had none, I sunk far. I tried anti-depressants. They didn't work. It seemed like I fell off the horse every time I got on. I couldn't even handle the pony rides anymore. For the next few years, I failed more classes and went through various jobs. I found great solace in a language camp job for two summers. I didn't let on how sad I was when I didn't get hired the third time. I knew why. Nobody thought I was capable of anything and cried about everything. It probably seemed like I was indifferent about it. More like I gave up. I moved on from her death in time, yet things continued to be up and down for me. The point is don't drink and drive. I don't hate the young lady who did this. In fact, I heard she has a child who is probably suffering by having her in the system. It won't change anything. My other point is this obviously had a big impact on me. I no longer think that I was simply grieving. I was never the same because I was no longer healthy enough. I can say I'm not afraid of crossing streets now. I couldn't say that before surgery. Melissa Ahrens or "Mo" died September 21st, 2008. She will always be loved and missed. Now onto my birthday! The golden one!

A short bucket list:

1. Swim with a manatee/scuba dive in a reef

2. See a painting dolphin

3. Ride in a hot air balloon

4. Meet Amy Lee 

5. Lucille Ball memorials(esp Desilu playhouse)
6. Be in the Daily Show or SNL audience
7. Get another tattoo
8. Check out Venice before it sinks

9. Travel to Europe with my mom

10. Washington D.C. cherry blossoms

11. See the Niagara falls at night

12. Move to California
13. Own a very cool aquarium w/ sea horses
14. Also own a wooden piano and learn to play better

15. Explore the Redwood forest & picnic

16. Go whale watching

17. Ascend the Tapei 101 tower

18. Attend a Broadway show

19. See a similar show in Japan

20. Camp in the Grand Canyon
21. Bathe in outside hot springs

22. Meet Naoko Takeuchi

23. See Boa Kwon in concert

24. Tour the Anne Frank house

25. Spend a day or two in Quebec
26. Little Mermaid statue in Denmark
27. Publish some sort of book

28. Get my hair braided in Mexico
29. See the butterfly migration
30. Xena Museum & Athenaeum

31. Go to New Zealand and Greece

32. Hang glide or even skydive

33. Free Tibet (well, I'd like to go there too)

34. Go to the moon or outer space!

Excerpt from Life in the Fat Lane by Cherie Bennett

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Lara," she began slowly,"but...well, I've been wanting to talk to you. You really have a pretty face, you know? And I know it must be hard for you. I mean, some people in this school can be really cruel."

 I stood there, rooted to the spot, mute.

"In junior high," she continued, "I weighed, like, fifteen pounds more than I do now, and I found this great diet to take the weight off, and it worked."

My face burned with rage and humiliation. "You want to give me your diet?"

 "I don't want to offend you," she said quickly. "I just know what it's like to want to lose weight, and-"

 "You don't know anything," I said in carefully measured tones. "You look at me and think you know, but you don't."

 "Listen, just forget I said anything-"

"No," I replied,"you listen. A year ago, at my old school, I was homecoming queen. Queen! I was thinner than you are. Then I got this disease called Axell-Crowne Syndrome, and it made me gain all this weight. You think I'm just this fat girl that you pity-"

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"Yes, yes you did," I said earnestly. "I know you did, because I was once exactly like you."

My battle with my wardrobe and California plans!

I'm trying not to neglect this blog, although it's been harder than I thought it'd be to write a post every day. Damn near exhausting. I spent all of Sunday planning for my California trip this summer. One of my best friends is getting married. So sick or not, I'm going. It's actually a perfect excuse to sit by the beach for a week. Since I can stay with my Aunt and Uncle that cuts down on expenses immensely, too. I really  want to check out Little Tokyo the day after the wedding. It'd be a great little day trip before I headed back to Minnesota. I guess my mom was considering helping my sister out if she really wanted to go. I have a lot to clarify with the hosts, but it'd be nice to have her with. She's like me in the sense that she doesn't need to run all over the place to enjoy a vacation. I need a person with that mentality. There's no doubt I can do things alone. I'm very good at planning things out. I've traveled across the globe by myself. I know how to look up train and bus schedules. To find the cheapest plane tickets and pack light. Company is still nice plus someone to take pictures with though! Hopefully my parents are going to let me borrow their camera. The only thing that remains is a wedding gift and buying a dress. My mom suggested we wait until a few weeks before to see where my figure's at by then. Clothes are a frustrating matter these days. I went out last night with a friend for a bit and was complaining about clothes not fitting, particularly my bikini. I don't know if I'll be comfortable enough by August to wear it. I think this belly is going to take loads of work to flatten. I have a one-piece but it's sporty and does nothing for me. If I can find a nice beach robe or something that could be a flattering compromise. My clothes aren't fitting right in good ways, too. I now have to tighten my belt buckle more. Even my feet seem to have shrunk slightly. I actually ripped a pair of jeans last summer at the thighs! It was so bizarre at the time. I was bloating up like a balloon. While these are lovely improvements, I'm too poor for new clothes! Some more recent tops and dresses fit better. Probably because the upper half of me hasn't improved aside from my face. I looked up a video about it and it may not improve much to my disappointment. I guess I should buy a new bra. Sigh. Clothes and me are in a love/hate relationship. They do wonders when they cover or mask parts of me that are still a bit off. It's also upsetting when you can't wear a lot of your old outfits. I only have a few things I consider decent looking in my closet right now. I have more winter than summer wear, as well. Food stamps. Don't make me laugh. I need clothes stamps. I've learned to wear jackets, flowing garments, stripes, leggings, layer. I know a thing or two about fashion, I just used to not have to care so much. I miss only caring about matching and shaving if anything. As a girl, Cushing's takes your femininity away. Another symptom I think I lacked was hirsutism. It's male pattern hair growth. Wikipedia has some interesting photos for it. I guess it has to do with androgens and hair follicle sensitivity so maybe those weren't so affected as an adrenal case? I don't know. Every patient is diverse in their struggle. Another thing that makes this disease so hard to deal with. To conclude, I've been having a rough time since the hormones hit me again. I seem sensitive about my progress in particular and my importance to friends and family. I know they care. It's just one of those things where I need to be reminded. I hate feeling like a nuisance. One of the last things I did before surgery was ask someone if they hated me. I spent my whole winter break at home trying not to think about it. I wanted the reassurance that I was understood and not alone in this. That he was wishing the best for me and  not the worst. It just seemed like bad juju not to resolve and made me extremely unhappy. I wasn't in a good state when I did this, yet that phone call made all the difference.

My "old friends" return amongst the rubble...

I had the biggest surge of emotions since surgery yesterday. It was due to the obvious reason, but nerve-racking to feel like I was losing it again. I know it's just because I'm a girl. My hormones are going to fluctuate once in awhile like any normal person. It was too similar for comfort though. I wasn't thinking clearly, everything was upsetting. I wanted to say things I didn't really mean, my emotions made me want to regardless of rational concepts. I almost thought it'd be better to lock myself in my room and not talk to anyone. That is what Cushing's feels like. The main difference being that it's almost constant. You are always trying to find a way to feel better. That's how you end up screaming or crying so easily. It's the only release a person with Cushing's can really get. I had a huge blow-up right before I found out there was something medically wrong. I don't think I've yelled like that since I was a teenager. Recovery is kind of like becoming a teenager again. I have no clue what my body is doing half of the time. I was enjoying the lower amounts of hormones. I even wonder if taking Cortisol replacements during this time period makes it worse. I'm sure my doctors would say no, but I may not believe them. All in all, I'm just not used to the cycle of having more emotions and then not anymore. I will probably learn to adapt better eventually. I gave a title to this blog now. Considering what insomniacs we Cushies are, the dark side of the moon seemed fitting. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I like the super heroine Sailor Moon, as well. Her character astounds me. Watching the show usually reminds me not to be so selfish and be more loving. She generally wants to understand and save her enemies, not hurt or kill anyone. That's not to say she doesn't have her weak moments. The concept is that she follows her heart and genuinely cares about everyone. I like that. I like the idea of not hating or hurting each other. 

Some things I'm noticing and a BIG surprise!!

I am slowly figuring out what my body can handle. Before I get into all that, I had quite a good shock when I got home. My you-know-what is exactly on time! I can't remember the last time it was. This is the best sign of improvement I could've asked for. It means my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing. The one symptom I didn't really have was a lack of. A lot of girls lose theirs completely, but I guess mine was a little off. Annnnnyway, I'm learning that I need to pamper myself pretty much. Hence the photo of me in a hotel robe. Things that have been easy to eat: various Japanese foods, salads, soups, and fresh fruits(everything in small portions). However, I'm noticing that my senses are way more acute now. Cushing's must've dulled such things aside from pain. My sushi tasted "fishier" than it used to. It's not that it was bad, but it doesn't taste the same! The fruit I had in my salad today was really cold. I mean it was so cold I almost couldn't chew it. I wouldn't be surprised if the same goes for my sense of smell. I did know things were going to hurt more. I read another patient's account about recovery long ago, so I was prepared to some degree. I've found a million ways to describe this disease by now... sometimes I say I'm recovering from a muscle disease. Or metabolic disease. Hormonal disease is the one least understood. Saying I had a tumor is the easiest way to make someone's eyes bulge, of course. I explain Cushing's when I have time. It takes quite a lot of time plus spelling. What else? My troubles with sleeping are getting worse. I begged my teacher to let me make something up today after sleeping through class. It's true that what I'm going through is causing it but even I feel shameful asking. Cushing's just makes you feel useless. I slept better last night aside from being woken 3 times. Two phone calls from my family and then loud drunks. I'm getting stressed out because I'm supposed to go to a wedding in California this summer. Everyone except my dad has now suggested going with to visit our relatives there. I can't handle all this planning. Who can or can't go isn't clear at all. I had a nightmare about being on a vacation with them and they were all having fun without me while I sat around being exhausted. I don't want to get stressed out about something that's supposed to be pleasant. It's not that I don't want anyone to come with me. It's the amount of work it's adding up to. If I start doing too much I am going to crash. Only other thing that's on my mind is parts of my body that aren't getting better. I'm starting to think my chest region is never going to recover. They're huge and they hang... Laugh all you want, but it's not fun in the least for me. I am too young for this problem! And what's the point of surgery for it if I ever want children? The same thing will happen all over again. Not to mention the out-of-pocket cost. There's also the fact that I don't want to have more surgery. Unless you've been there, you probably won't get it. I'm wondering if this has ever gotten better for others. What say you, Peanut Gallery? To end on a good note, I have a cute story about my prediabetic sister. My mom told her that she needs to cut down on sugar, so she ran to her room and handed over all her leftover Easter candy! What an adorable response. I didn't think she would understand, but maybe I didn't give her enough credit. I'm sure she wants to be healthy in her own right. I just wish there was more we could do.

Environmental and other contributing factors to symptoms

To keep up with the video information theme, today I've collected news reports about things that make the symptoms of Cushing's worse than they already are! Keep in mind these studies are about normal people, so imagine having a chronic condition on top of that! Most are via ABC:

What prolonged insomnia can do to a person Zzzz

The science behind what caffeine does to our brains @~

Article and video on Cortisol and the effects of stress <<<

Smoking's role in raising adrenaline via the Adrenals ---*

All the important Vitamins and nutrients we need to be well #

Silent video on what drugs like Accutane do to your bones ?!?

An article about what Alcohol does to your diurnal clock %

Corcept Therapeutics will donate $5 for every person who clicks to support people with Cushing's. Corcept has jump-started the effort to build awareness and support with a $15,000 contribution to provide support through the Cushing's Support and Research Foundation and Cushing's Help. With your support, we can aim even higher!* Take part...and spread the word.

Click HERE to support Cushing's Awareness and this new medication!

*Donations up to $30,000. Program ends April 20, 2012

Let's learn about hormones and the body, kids!

Today I compiled some videos about what Cushing's does or can do to a person's body. Wish I could've found more about the hypothalamus and emotional/cognitive receptors, but oh well. The picture above is an artistic representation of the circulatory system. Click the links below:

 A great video on how the Adrenal Glands work with Cortisol ^-------^

Hormones and how they affect Insulin secretion from the Pancreas {  >

The serious effects Hypertension can have on your entire body <3

Fight or Flight: the state Cushing's patients are constantly in !!!

How tumors form. Cancerous or not but there is a difference Q

What exactly Osteoporosis does to the skeletal structure {_}

Muscle Myopathy leads to Rhabdomyolysis in this documentary ~~~

An invisible disease harbors many unseen demons

An invisible disease; a ghost of myself. That's exactly what ails me. You can't see it, but I can sure feel it. I woke up with excruciating cramps in my lower abdomen. I've been eating okay for the last couple of days and this is the thanks I get apparently. My body doesn't know what to do with food even if it really wants it. I get a weird mixture of sensations. I can be extremely hungry, but also feel like I am too full. It was worse when I'd been standing up for awhile and when walking. I came home and laid down, ate a half bag of licorice, then started to feel more comfortable. I'm still having problems with sleeping. It's scary to have any symptom reoccur. On Sunday I was very tired from a long day and conked out a few times between 3pm and 10pm, but for very short intervals. Then I was up most of the night. Last night I was up late, too. I got up at 9am for class. And by late I mean early. There's usually a morning glow growing in the window when I fall asleep. I don't understand what my chances are of getting Cushing's again. Since I am an adrenal patient, I've been told it can't come back. Well, it can't come back there... I don't see how it couldn't come back somewhere else. I'm not saying it has or even could this soon, although I've heard of things about leftover tissue. I don't even know what to think in regards to how long you really have Cushing's. I look back to a lot of weird things from childhood now. I've always been very alert at night ever since I can remember. I never liked nap time, yet I always went to pm kindergarten and preschool. I could sleep in even if I stayed up until God knows when. My sisters seemed to get up before me in the summer. In jr high school, I developed a habit of being on the internet all night. I started to like naps when I was a teenager and had to get up at the crack of dawn. I had no problem doing an all-nighter for a paper in high school. I was tired in the daytime. I've always made jokes in my college years that I live on Japanese time. My sense of "late" may have changed but the owl mentality has always been present. I had heartburn when I was a child and seemed to have a lot of loud molecules in my stomach. Who has heartburn when they're 8? Don't get me started on "growing pains". I used to have brittle feelings in my legs, especially in high school. I have similar feelings now. It's all speculation, but it's curious. Am I predisposed based on habit forming actions or uncontrollable impulses built into my genes? Whatever the case, I was always skinny and active when awake. Could eat everything and anything- just like my dad. I had that going for me. I was so excited to move away to college, yet my fatigue only got worse the older I got. My dad supposedly gave me some bad traits, too. Acne, migraines, ecetera. He rarely gets sick, however. I get sick. Maybe he's not subjected to as many germs as I am. This is how I end up concluding both parents are to blame if genetics are involved. My mom used to be skinnier than I could dream up. Did a couple of kids really cause weight gain or is it predisposition at work again? Invisible is right. If I have kids, I'll have no way of knowing if they have such a disorder until there are clear signs. I want a disease I can see, I can pinpoint. I can't help but get jealous of a person on crutches because they will probably heal much quicker than me. You can see what's the matter. I'm invisible sometimes. Unless I'm keeled over in pain, you don't see Cushing's. It's obvious people can feel Cushing's, though they can't place the feeling in my experience.

A good quote for Cushing's mentally wise if I ever saw one!

My thoughts derailed. There were no survivors.

A part-time job. Is it too soon for this?

I've been pretty adamant about staying in school since I discovered I'm sick, although I admit I'm barely surviving at times. I don't know if I should push it or cool it. I've had to accept the fact that I can't do a lot of things I want (at least not all at once). Anyway, I went to get some Japanese food today for dinner. I figure if there's anything I can stomach, it's going to be my favorite foods. I'm starting to wish I had some sort of low-maintenance job. It sucks to have so little money and to feel like I am completely burdening my parents. I'm currently debating summer school, auditioning for a show, and still searching for one more roommate. I asked casually for an application at this restaurant not thinking I'd practically get a job on the spot. I figure I'll go to the interview and see how it pans out. I've always really liked this place. It's not like I don't have the experience, either. The thing is I've suffered a lot in the last few years trying to hold down a job... it was terrible. I kept getting fired for reasons that were not entirely explained. At one restaurant- last summer when I'd started to gain weight in my belly, I made too many "mistakes" mostly on the computer and didn't remember things well or mixed them up, so I tried to keep notes. I knew a lot about the type of food I was serving. My boss was very strict and breathed down my neck. It was ridiculous because my customers loved me, but I was let go regardless. I was heartbroken when I lost my job at the daycare the spring before that- this is when the "chipmunk cheeks" appeared. I was told I sat down too much and didn't always deal with the kids effectively. I was a teacher's assistant and followed the direction of the other teachers. I pointed this out, but I had no rights as a part-timer even though she agreed I wasn't the only one doing it! Oh, and some teachers didn't like me. I bet some of the kids missed me dearly. Same thing happened at a lot of my jobs: I rub ONE employee the wrong way and it's over. I even said sorry to someone immediately at one of my last positions. She was telling me something as I was doing something else. I said okay, but she got mad that I didn't look directly at her. I was concentrating! One of the bosses started to dislike me too who was probably as hormonal as me considering she was expecting. I remember at this job I had a stretch mark on my arm that one co-worker asked about. I said it was from falling off my bike? I was always really hungry there, as well. I needed a 10-minute break because I'd be starving. Even at the job I had a year ago, I had trouble with "poor attitude". Although, I don't see how grimacing behind closed doors and standing up for myself when my managers accused me of things I didn't do or had permission to do, counts. They thought I had a good personality when they hired me. Some jobs wouldn't even tell me why. I just "wasn't working out". I'm a hard worker and went out of my way to pick up shifts at all these places. I bused or biked really far distances. Jobs began to become a topic I didn't even want to discuss. It was always a debate about what exactly my problem was. It was lonely. Nobody went through jobs like I did. Even if I laid low, I somehow did something wrong. Cushing's plagued my work ethic for years without me knowing it. So while a job offering is nice, I have mixed feelings about it. I still have nightmares about most of these jobs. I just hope I'm not going to get overwhelmed. I have to find a decent way there, too. In moderation this is probably a good opportunity for me. The boss seems homely from what I can tell.

I wish to see the *light* at the end of the tunnel!

Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight.

Today is an update about my sister

My sister went through a slew of tests and doctors in the last month and all we've managed to confirm is that she's prediabetic now. That new medicine of hers is just the worse. She started it in January. Her glucose wasn't that high before. Her FSH is low but normal. I don't understand why she appears to have no cycle anymore. At least this is something we can try to treat before it gets worse. I couldn't imagine her having to take insulin everyday. What a nightmare! I guess there's a medicine we can give her. Maybe the poor girl will finally lose some weight. It's the same medicine they use to treat POCS, so while we didn't confirm that, it's like hitting two birds with one stone. We need to consider changing her diet, too. It's hard to explain to your mentally disabled sister that she can't have unhealthy snacks. When me and my other sister used to think we had celiac disease, I don't recall my mom trying to change Victoria's diet, too. She probably would've thrown a fit. My mom isn't even going to tell her exactly what's wrong. It's obvious being overweight upsets her. I can't count the number of times I've heard her crying, saying her clothes don't fit. She always says they must've shrunk in the wash. I don't think she understands how big she is or she doesn't want to. My endocrinologist is having a field day with my family. I'm frustrated that this is the only thing we've found, though. Glad we caught it but I can't help but think she's breeding something like what I have. Maybe she's not. I know she's "predisposed" to like me. I never heard that term before Cushing's. I think it's just a half-assed way of saying it's probably genetic. That's all for today.

A bit of information I found from the Mayo and I have to admit it makes sense: "Dipsogenic diabetes insipidus. In this form of DI, also known as primary polydipsia or psychogenic polydipsia, excessive fluid intake leads to suppression of ADH. Drinking too much liquid can be the result of abnormal thirst caused by damage to the thirst-regulating mechanism, situated in the hypothalamus. Diseases such as sarcoidosis can cause such damage. Dipsogenic DI also can be caused by mental illness. In some cases of diabetes insipidus, doctors never determine a cause.

Your body makes ADH (anti-diuretic hormone/vasopressin) in the hypothalamus and stores the hormone in your pituitary gland, a small gland located in the base of your brain. It is released into your bloodstream when necessary. It then concentrates the urine by triggering the kidney tubules to reabsorb water back into your bloodstream rather than excreting as much water into your urine."

Symptoms of diabetes include (some people have no symptoms at all or is gradual): Unusual thirst, frequent urination, blurred vision, extreme fatigue, frequent infections, cuts/bruises that are slow to heal, tingling/numbness in the hands/feet, recurring skin, gum, or bladder infections

Things Cushing's has stolen from me. The little thief!!

Hope: at least it did for a long time. The feeling that nothing seemed to get better no matter how hard I tried. I've went through more part-time jobs than I want to count. I've barely made any real friends since I moved. I always felt like I was the one saying "sorry" without fully knowing what I'd done. I'd try everything and anything to feel happy again. There were so many times when I thought to myself, "this will help me". It never did for long if it did at all. Even now, it threatens to take hold of me. To keep my other adrenal gland forever in hibernation. My little stint with adrenal sickness has made me question what my doctors really think. Do they think I'm ever going to get better? Or are they merely walking on a tightrope theory? I might have to feel a lot worse before I know. What they say is true. You may be trading one disease for another when you treat Cushing's.

Stamina: I haven't had a bounce in my step like I do today in two weeks. I slept A LOT this week, too. I used to be able to run around town all day. I would be exhausted, but with good reason. I pretty much have to pick and choose what I do now. It mostly involves school. Some days, I can barely do one thing for myself. I can't stand going across town on my own. I often want to go to the mall, grocery store, pool, yet it's hard without a car. My bike is great for short distances when I'm up for it. I'm honestly known to overdo it. I'm not so surprised about what happened a few days ago. I really wanted to think I was immune to all that. I'm no good at taking it slow. You wouldn't know it from the things I say. I'm an actress at heart. I can push until I can't with a solid face. That's what really sucks about Cushing's. I believe in being honest, wearing your heart on your sleeve, but there's a difference in having control over your emotions and being completely off kilter. I didn't have any stamina in that respect, either. It's not just stress. You don't recover.

Confidence: Failing classes, not being able to hold my liquor, couldn't keep up with anyone. I want to do things the way I always have, but I can't! When my looks started to go along with everything else, I officially felt broken. One thing Cushing's has GIVEN me through recovery is complete comfort with my body. After I took those pictures yesterday, I felt good. All the scars are still there, but they're fading and my figure is shrinking. I think it would be an interesting study to do a photography project of how I look right now. Somewhere between Cushing's and me. I wonder what an art class would think if I signed up for nude modeling. Would it be unlike anything they've ever seen? When I've got energy, I'm very gung-ho about Cushing's awareness. I wrote another thing on a black board today. At first it seemed embarrassing because anybody who knows me knows it's me doing it. Then I thought, "but not everyone knows. Not even close!"

Focus: I got to a point where I couldn't read books anymore. Or play video games. Nothing that required a lot of attention. Trying to memorize my language assignments was a joke. And even if I did my homework, I'd sleep through class without a valid excuse. In fact, right before I found out I had Cushing's, I was considering a ADHD evaluation. Of course, this only leads me back to the point that it was mostly my moods and fatigue that were killing my ability to concentrate. I felt far, far away, because I was in pain, alone, and I had no answers for it. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who drinks and smokes all the time, either. The normal me is smarter than that.

Romance: I suppose I could say love, but what I mean is the good parts of love. I just watched a Walk to Remember. Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceded. It does not take offense, it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hold, and to endure whatever comes. I've always been a sucker for the good in everyone concept. Cushing's took away my ability to believe in it. I trusted no one and rarely wrote poetry. I used to write ALL THE TIME. I'm definitely doing it more now. I feel like I can embrace the world again. I can love again.

The scars of Cushing's (these are the REAL DEAL)

the stretch marks on my right side

the stretch marks on my left

             these run up and down my legs                              one of my underarms

Take your medicine! That's an understatement!

Medications I currently take

Asmanex (my daily inhalor)

Xopenex (my exertion inhalor)

Zarah (my birth control)

.125mg Dexamethason (my Cortisol replacement)

Odansentron (my anti-nausea pill)

Vitamin D-3 (for bone and dental health)

Maximite Female (general supplement)

St. John's Wort (3 pills a day)

ImmunoFlora (3 pills a day)

Silymarin milk thistle extract (for my high liver, 6 a day)

Sleep aid (I think you know what this is for)

Advil, Tylenol, Aleve (for aches and pains, headaches)

Docusate sodium (another over-the-counter for digestion)

Medications I've taken previously

Advair (old daily inhalor)

Maxair (old exertion inhalor)

Yasmin, Ocella (Zarah & Ocella are generics)

.25mg Dexamethason (1/2 a tablet instead of 1/4)

5mg Prednisone (old Cortisol replacement- was allergic?)

Peto-Bismal (used a whole bottle up in a week...)

Promethazine (original anti-nausea pills from local hospital)

Famotidine (stomach acid drug from same hospital)

Dexilant (sample stomach acid drug from my doctor)

Nutralizer (for stomach lining, 3 a day)

Amazon A-V (for good digestion, 6 a day)

Six Gentlement Teapills (for my "spleen chi" & gallbladder, 24 a day!!)

Gr8-Dolphilus (general supplement for bones)

Dilaudid (painkiller after surgery= morphine in a pill)

Hydrocodone, Oxycodone (these painkillers did nothing for me)

Lisinopril (for my previous high blood pressure)

Ibuprofen (given after surgery but another allergic reaction?)

Z-pack (for my high white blood count before surgery)

A detoxification regiment for a month (3 nasty shakes a day)

Something for a UTI infection.. I don't remember

I've had a few other infections that I won't bother mentioning

I had both the HINI virus and the normal flu that one year! Despite a shot!

Trazodone (that damn anti-depressant I tried once, TRIED is the keyword)

Topicals and other hygienic products

Antibiotic ointment (for random skin infections)

Cetaphil (moisturizing cream for my poor skin)

T/Gel (shampoo for my super dry scalp)

E-Oil & Rose Hip Seed Oil (for all the stretch marks)

Aveeno skin relief body wash (sensitive skin)

Neutrogena (for my recurring acne, of course)

Crest Sensitivity Toothpaste (even my teeth hurt)

Hot water bottle, ice pack (for incisions and upset muscles)

Foods that bring good benefit

Black licorice (my mom taught me about this digestive boost)

OJ, garlic, tea, soup (when I had that cold before surgery)

flax seed oil (tastes awful but good for your gallbladder)

Beets are also good for the same reason

Can you say organic? O-R-G-A-N-I-C

Cranberry juice (for my UTI infection)

Sushi... all the sushi I can eat...

Adrenal insufficiency is not a place you want to go

I didn't think this was the kind of experience I would be able to write about along my road to recovery, but I have discovered what happens when I stress myself out while my hormones aren't up to par. Good opportunity to convey how much this disease sucks before and after surgery, though. I didn't have an adrenal crisis by any means, but I sure don't want to! Basically, when this happens a person gets profusely sick and can fall into a coma or even die. I only experienced the milder side of adrenal insufficiency whilst I was upset. It was late, if you read my last post I wasn't in a good mood, so I was crying. Normal human response. I suddenly felt a lot sicker than I have in awhile. I really thought I was going to have to vomit and other lovely things. I did run to the bathroom at one point. I'll spare you the details. I took some of my anti-nausea medicine before I put two and two together. It didn't get better. Then it dawned on me. I was just very upset, it was the middle of the night, and I have one weak adrenal gland at present. Of course I was low on Cortisol. I checked my blood pressure and the diastolic number was low. Blood pressure has two numbers: systolic and diastolic. According to the chart I looked up the diastolic was in the hypotension (low blood pressure) zone and the systolic stayed at a "high normal". I have no idea how bad this really is or what the combinations mean. I decided to take my Cortisol medicine early. Well, the next time I checked the diastolic had fluctuated to the hypertension level. When I stood up the systolic went down 20. They tell you to stand up to see how much it changes, or if you get faint or anything. Anyway, I understand that blood pressure does this when you're stressed, I just don't know if a person like me should be concerned. I always figured I was well off enough not to worry about adrenal crisis. I went to sleep and when I woke up it was back to a "low normal". Suffice to say, I left a message for my doctor. Being insufficient in any way is not pleasant. It feels like you have a bad stomach flu. Again, I wasn't about to call an ambulance, but it was crazy how fast I started to grow ill. I think this has happened before in the last month. I didn't realize that maybe I was having small bouts of extra Cortisol withdrawal. I'm sure I'm not in any danger. I still feel a little worse for ware this afternoon. I e-mailed my teacher, although I'm sure she doesn't understand despite my attempt at telling her exactly what happened. My roommates looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it. They just don't know what to say. I get it. My doctor left a message saying I could track my blood pressure for the next few days if I want. This is what's so frustrating! I get really sick and I feel like I'm not being taken seriously. My mom wasn't expecting it to be this rough either. I'm having a hard time talking to her. She doesn't want to hear about it or know what to think. Many people have it or have had it much worse. Cushing's syndrome, Addison's disease, and any other metabolic or hormonal disturbance is a very serious matter. I am mostly writing this blog in the hopes that people will learn to acknowledge that.

I wouldn't walk in my shoes tonight...

I have another post written, but I have to take a moment to say I'm worried. I miss the days of not fretting over my health so much. I know I need to take it one step at a time. I just feel like there is something else wrong still. I honestly don't feel like I can go through anything else with doctors and tests. Surgery was scary enough for me. Heck, I was even concerned about the CT scan before I got it. I guess this is what Cushie's call one of those days or nights. I'm not trying to think doom scenario. I just have so many physical problems now. This nausea won't quit. I get a weird full feeling when I eat even if I'm so hungry I can't stand not to eat. If I think about it too much, I can't swallow. I'm having other digestive issues that don't seem to be getting better. I want to finish college. I don't want to spend time with this instead. I did very well the first week after surgery. My incisions are healed. Why are my lymphocytes, granulocytes, and liver enzymes elevated? Nobody tells me what to expect, aside from people who've been there. The doctors never give me any insight. I don't even think they know. There is hardly any research done on the recovery process. I think I'm more scared of having to deal with it than being sick in some other fashion. People don't understand. This isn't like getting your appendix removed. I'm a tad freaked out.

"Define a recognized disease", says the duck

Two things: my autistic sister got a lot more tests done and I am still what you call a "sitting duck". My Endocrinologist said it was okay to take my pills in lower doses each day, but asked me if I'd done anything about my stomach problems yet. I really wish that would just fix itself. The last thing I want to do this summer is get a tube stuck down my throat! And who knows if it's my stomach per se. Maybe it's my gallbladder. Or my liver. I have no idea. How long am I going to have to just sit around waiting to get better? That's the problem. Cushing's doesn't just get better if I haven't made that clear. From what I hear, I'm bound to have something else to deal with in the future. Anyway, the Endocrinologist said the oddest thing to my mom today when she mentioned POCS. He said, "Well, you know, some doctors don't even recognize that as a separate disease". As in, it's caused by obesity. Why does that sound so much like what people think about Cushing's, hmmm? I am just confused because I thought POCS was a rather well recognized thing, considering what happened with that girl advocating for birth control insurance. Why are doctors so quick to think something isn't real? Even if it is real, there isn't much we can do? Okay. How do you know that until you TRY? My sister isn't even eating that much anymore and she's sleeping a lot. If it's not Cushing's, and it's not this apparently unrecognized Ovarian syndrome, then what is it? Sounds like they tested various chemicals in her blood, so I suppose she's a sitting duck, too. Just a family of poor misguided ducks. The other sister is supposed to see her old autoimmune doctor and get her thyroid rechecked. My mom feels like all she does is go to specialists. Personally, I feel like I'm getting the same exhaustion from Cushing's all over again. Just want to sleep all the time, even when I can't fall asleep. My mind wants my body to run all around. I wish I could listen to it. I'm hungry. I wish food made it better. I also wish this semester would just hurry up. I am done, for now. I'm going to raise my GPA and then figure this crap out. I really want to be in this upcoming community musical. I'm sure I'll audition no matter what, although I doubt my capabilities right now. I always seem to miss out on these types of experiences. Maybe I'll get to be in the chorus at least, but I want to get the lead. I want to feel well enough to do that! Why must the duck sit? WHY MUST THE DUCK SIT?

Is age really just a number?

I know other people my age get Cushing's and younger. Even so, I've only come across these people on the internet. When I was in the hospital, I was the youngest there. I had two roommates. One lady had multiple heart surgeries under her belt. The other woman was 42, although she looked beautiful for her age! She was there for a hysterectomy. She never had children, but said she'd had a full life without. I couldn't begin to imagine where she was coming from. She was more like a mother figure or older sister than a roommate. One of the nurses wondered why I seemed so shy. Why? Because I was alone in a strange place, a place I would never of dreamed of being in so early in life. I wonder if half of those nurses knew why I had surgery. It's lonely enough to have a rare disease, but to feel like nobody really understands even when you're among the sick and those trained to help the sick is strange. My surgeon said he does maybe 2 adrenalectomies a year. I feel the same when I go to the Endocrinologist. I've never seen a young girl like me there either. I don't really think there is a good place for Cushing's patients. We don't belong in a psych ward, but where do we belong? One pituitary patient wrote that she got thrown on the brain cancer ward. It made me realize how isolated I often feel considering my age and what I have. Some friends get confused when I turn down invitations now. Like when I got asked to go to the grocery store but I was just too tired to think about dealing with a long excursion at the time. She thought it was weird because she knew I needed them. People my age go to the emergency room because they've drank too much, not because they have chronic nausea. They go to the doctor if they have the flu, not from some small infection their body should be able to get over. I guess I'm always going to be tired (not to be confused with an ability to sleep) until my body picks up the pace. I take set amounts of Cortisol. It's not the same as a natural clock being able to switch doses throughout a day. Have I mentioned how I wish I could check my cortisol like glucose? Although, I'm starting to realize hormone replacement is a loose term. It's more like a hormone bumper. If I give myself too much then the other gland will never wake up. I sure miss enjoying food. When I woke up from surgery, I had an appetite. No liquid diet for me. I was naive to think medicine could keep me feeling so well. People keep telling me at least I'm young, my body will recover better. In some respects, yes? In others, I think I have a lot of nausea because my young body is shocked and confused. I needed super strong pain pills, as well. "Legalized heroine", as my dad put it. Everything is new to me. I don't usually feel like I know what I'm doing. I've been told I have a good attitude and have tenacity to talk about it. Being sick in comparison to my peers is still lonely, however. Photo is Vanessa, age 8; ready to conquer the world. Starting with the living room!

My vices and Pseudo-Cushing's

My cat Lexus has also been there for me in times of woe. Another fact about Cushing's: dogs and cats can also get it. My aunt's cat has a bad thyroid. This post is about how most people who have this disease go through periods of frustration in not being able to get a diagnosis or proper treatment. I was lucky I went to a smart doctor who said I must have it just looking at me and my blood pressure. He ordered me an MRI right away but when that came back normal, the battle to keep my diagnosis raged on. My family doctor almost blew me off before she saw the cortisol test results. She said my diagnosis must've been a "typo". A typo?!? So what the hell was happening to me then? She wouldn't look at my stretch marks. Despite the fact that she didn't have those results (which my mom thankfully had on hand), shouldn't she have tested me to make sure? Suffice to say, she was very embarrassed when my mom showed her my blood tests from the  urgent care. I went two weeks without medicine for my high blood pressure, too. I felt like a sitting duck. I had to wait about four weeks to see the specialist. Again, he said I must have it but why was going to be the tricky part. I did a 24-hour urine test. It came back more than conclusive of course. He seemed wary to order me a CT scan of my abdomen even though I knew the second most common reason is an adrenal tumor! I was scared he was going to think I had Pseudo-Cushing's! You can get this from either drinking too much or from severe depression. I'm a college student, I live in Wisconsin, of course I drink. It became a nightly vice for me, along with coffee, when the insomnia and anxiety got unbearable. I can't imagine how psychotic I must've seemed to people when I was drunk. Alcohol, caffeine, and depressants exasperate Cushing's. My family doctor pushed the specialist to do the scan. I wanted to go back to school for the Spring and I wasn't getting any answers. 2 hours later, viola! I had an obvious tumor. I was scared to death to have surgery, but I just knew it was a tumor. I just knew, once again. Another vice I clung to was sex. I seriously think my relationships kept this disease at bay for awhile. I read the two easiest ways to lower cortisol is through sex and crying. Which sounds more appealing? I could never figure out why I couldn't stand to be away from boys. At night when I couldn't sleep, I'd want to cuddle incessantly. Nothing else really made me feel better. I was also very picky about who I let touch me at all. I got worse quite rapidly when my closest relationships fell apart. Some current news: my nausea continues. Another person with a similar case wrote that she had this problem for a long time after surgery, as well. Lovely. My sleeping problems are back. I decided to take my cortisol replacement in quarters instead of skipping days and will probably have to use sleeping aids if I want to get up for class ever again. We are still worried about my sister. It makes me very angry that doctors think it's not important just because she's disabled. What kind of god-awful logic is that? I can't imagine how much worse this would be/is for her. It's not a game!

The obvious conclusion: Am I pregnant?

Before I write anything, that is me acting the part of a pregnant girl. Merely a pillow. When I started to gain an obvious belly, I was actively intimate and came to the natural conclusion that I had somehow become pregnant despite regular cycles and precautions. I hear it's a common thought with Cushing's. What else is a girl going to think? Especially when she's never been before! It was a miserable few days between wondering what I would do if I was and then being just as miffed when I clearly wasn't. I've always wanted a child, so it was very disturbing to think about how far along I would've been. Could I really destroy a baby that's 3 months in the making? It's nothing like the morning-after pill at that point. I was afraid the ordeal would destroy me. I didn't drink or smoke until I took a test. Now, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm starting to wonder if I was ever even capable of conceiving a baby? I personally didn't start having sex until I was 20 as well. It's just heartbreaking for someone who loves kids and wants one to find out she has a disease that limits or erases the possibility. It sounds like in my case I will probably be able to, but of course now I'm even second-guessing the pros and cons of having a baby with my genetics. I'm one of those girls who thinks of pregnancy as a little "magical" or well, heartwarming anyway. It's more than annoying that I practically went through all the hardships of a pregnant woman, but didn't even get the joy of a child out of it. Not to mention the fact that nobody would cut me any slack for emotive behaviors or fatigue or sore body parts unless I was either. I'm not saying I'm at the right point in my life for this, just pointing out my frustration at dealing with hormonal changes without the perks in my opinion. I don't know if this is really true or not: some studies say the older you get and the more immunocompromised you are, the more likely the children are to have defects or for the mother to have twins. It's just something I've heard, not something I actively worry about. My sisters are fraternal twins. If people ask me what side of the family I think this is on, I say both. Seems more on my mom's than my dad's, although everyone in my immediate family has strange issues. There's a 50% chance if one parent has it. Do the math if it's two. All my grandparents are dead. My grandma lived until I was in high school and had heart failure. My dad's parents both died when he was young. Whether that's a coincidence or not is the real question. Anyway, this is another very sad side to Cushing's that I wanted to share. It was one of the worst parts about developing it. Pregnancy scares are awful. Not knowing what's wrong with you is equally upsetting. For me, I had a feeling I hadn't created life. I always figured I'd know having a 6th sense for things like that. I felt like something was wrong. Turns out I was right. I was right all along. Maybe this doesn't seem like a depressing story for readers. I can't stress enough how much it affected me. I looked up pictures of babies in the womb. I imagined what my child would look like. I cried myself to sleep. I knew it made sense not to have it and that would be what was wanted of me. I don't think I've ever told this story in full. The silent hold with which Cushing's takes on you is painful in ways such as this. It's complex in it's torture of a person and I don't wish it on a single soul!

Learning who your real friends are

Of course I have to write a post about how when things like this strike, you get to learn who your real friends are! This is one of a few friends who truly understood from the get go that I had been suffering. Most people who were/are there for me are open-minded enough to consider what hormone imbalances do to you or have personal experience or general knowledge of the concept. One friend has been misdiagnosed herself for years. A slew of mental illness possibilities, but never a hormonal one. It only became worse when she had children. I'm starting to see just how traumatizing pregnancy can be. Basically, any girlfriend who has had a baby, seems to know what Cushing's could be like- except it's more than 9 months! Another friend just knows things like this exist. All his mother's horses have it. I was the most surprised when the Dean at my college immediately understood why I had been doing so poorly. He studied biology, so had heard of the disease at some point. I was nearly kicked out of school for good. I've never been a genius, yet never been a flunker either. Many high school friends knew what I used to be like pre-Cushing's and were very concerned about me. I sent a rather heartfelt message to an acquaintance who had been the first to come up to me saying she was willing to realize I wasn't so bad, that some things I'd said or done had clearly been out of my control. The problem is, I moved to a new town a couple years ago. Nobody here knows who I truly am, including any boyfriends I've had; another reason I know I changed. I met my first boyfriend freshman year and while our break-up was super upsetting for me, I got over it even when he got a new girlfriend soon after. I have gotten worse at dealing with break-ups when it should be the opposite! Despite knowing how to be mature, I've faltered in a deep sea of emotions and exhaustion. I am also a lot closer to my family suddenly. I've always taken care of myself and kept to myself. They've all been really helpful now and my parents are sad it came to this. Loved ones have also kept my humor up. Between stretch mark parties and milking the tumor theory, the fact that it's not just a disease it's a syndrome, and so on. Friends have also reaffirmed that while you shouldn't doubt yourself, you should doubt your body if something seems off. I really didn't know what to think anymore. I started to wonder if this was it for me. In my mid-20s with no degree, no career, lack of a decent relationship, no children, nothing to show for myself. I couldn't seem to cope with the world around me. Thank you to... well you know who you are! There are many haters, but also many lovers. With loads of love, your cushion