I'm trying not to neglect this blog, although it's been harder than I thought it'd be to write a post every day. Damn near exhausting. I spent all of Sunday planning for my California trip this summer. One of my best friends is getting married. So sick or not, I'm going. It's actually a perfect excuse to sit by the beach for a week. Since I can stay with my Aunt and Uncle that cuts down on expenses immensely, too. I really want to check out Little Tokyo the day after the wedding. It'd be a great little day trip before I headed back to Minnesota. I guess my mom was considering helping my sister out if she really wanted to go. I have a lot to clarify with the hosts, but it'd be nice to have her with. She's like me in the sense that she doesn't need to run all over the place to enjoy a vacation. I need a person with that mentality. There's no doubt I can do things alone. I'm very good at planning things out. I've traveled across the globe by myself. I know how to look up train and bus schedules. To find the cheapest plane tickets and pack light. Company is still nice plus someone to take pictures with though! Hopefully my parents are going to let me borrow their camera. The only thing that remains is a wedding gift and buying a dress. My mom suggested we wait until a few weeks before to see where my figure's at by then. Clothes are a frustrating matter these days. I went out last night with a friend for a bit and was complaining about clothes not fitting, particularly my bikini. I don't know if I'll be comfortable enough by August to wear it. I think this belly is going to take loads of work to flatten. I have a one-piece but it's sporty and does nothing for me. If I can find a nice beach robe or something that could be a flattering compromise. My clothes aren't fitting right in good ways, too. I now have to tighten my belt buckle more. Even my feet seem to have shrunk slightly. I actually ripped a pair of jeans last summer at the thighs! It was so bizarre at the time. I was bloating up like a balloon. While these are lovely improvements, I'm too poor for new clothes! Some more recent tops and dresses fit better. Probably because the upper half of me hasn't improved aside from my face. I looked up a video about it and it may not improve much to my disappointment. I guess I should buy a new bra. Sigh. Clothes and me are in a love/hate relationship. They do wonders when they cover or mask parts of me that are still a bit off. It's also upsetting when you can't wear a lot of your old outfits. I only have a few things I consider decent looking in my closet right now. I have more winter than summer wear, as well. Food stamps. Don't make me laugh. I need clothes stamps. I've learned to wear jackets, flowing garments, stripes, leggings, layer. I know a thing or two about fashion, I just used to not have to care so much. I miss only caring about matching and shaving if anything. As a girl, Cushing's takes your femininity away. Another symptom I think I lacked was hirsutism. It's male pattern hair growth. Wikipedia has some interesting photos for it. I guess it has to do with androgens and hair follicle sensitivity so maybe those weren't so affected as an adrenal case? I don't know. Every patient is diverse in their struggle. Another thing that makes this disease so hard to deal with. To conclude, I've been having a rough time since the hormones hit me again. I seem sensitive about my progress in particular and my importance to friends and family. I know they care. It's just one of those things where I need to be reminded. I hate feeling like a nuisance. One of the last things I did before surgery was ask someone if they hated me. I spent my whole winter break at home trying not to think about it. I wanted the reassurance that I was understood and not alone in this. That he was wishing the best for me and not the worst. It just seemed like bad juju not to resolve and made me extremely unhappy. I wasn't in a good state when I did this, yet that phone call made all the difference.
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