Hope: at least it did for a long time. The feeling that nothing seemed to get better no matter how hard I tried. I've went through more part-time jobs than I want to count. I've barely made any real friends since I moved. I always felt like I was the one saying "sorry" without fully knowing what I'd done. I'd try everything and anything to feel happy again. There were so many times when I thought to myself, "this will help me". It never did for long if it did at all. Even now, it threatens to take hold of me. To keep my other adrenal gland forever in hibernation. My little stint with adrenal sickness has made me question what my doctors really think. Do they think I'm ever going to get better? Or are they merely walking on a tightrope theory? I might have to feel a lot worse before I know. What they say is true. You may be trading one disease for another when you treat Cushing's.
Stamina: I haven't had a bounce in my step like I do today in two weeks. I slept A LOT this week, too. I used to be able to run around town all day. I would be exhausted, but with good reason. I pretty much have to pick and choose what I do now. It mostly involves school. Some days, I can barely do one thing for myself. I can't stand going across town on my own. I often want to go to the mall, grocery store, pool, yet it's hard without a car. My bike is great for short distances when I'm up for it. I'm honestly known to overdo it. I'm not so surprised about what happened a few days ago. I really wanted to think I was immune to all that. I'm no good at taking it slow. You wouldn't know it from the things I say. I'm an actress at heart. I can push until I can't with a solid face. That's what really sucks about Cushing's. I believe in being honest, wearing your heart on your sleeve, but there's a difference in having control over your emotions and being completely off kilter. I didn't have any stamina in that respect, either. It's not just stress. You don't recover.
Confidence: Failing classes, not being able to hold my liquor, couldn't keep up with anyone. I want to do things the way I always have, but I can't! When my looks started to go along with everything else, I officially felt broken. One thing Cushing's has GIVEN me through recovery is complete comfort with my body. After I took those pictures yesterday, I felt good. All the scars are still there, but they're fading and my figure is shrinking. I think it would be an interesting study to do a photography project of how I look right now. Somewhere between Cushing's and me. I wonder what an art class would think if I signed up for nude modeling. Would it be unlike anything they've ever seen? When I've got energy, I'm very gung-ho about Cushing's awareness. I wrote another thing on a black board today. At first it seemed embarrassing because anybody who knows me knows it's me doing it. Then I thought, "but not everyone knows. Not even close!"
Focus: I got to a point where I couldn't read books anymore. Or play video games. Nothing that required a lot of attention. Trying to memorize my language assignments was a joke. And even if I did my homework, I'd sleep through class without a valid excuse. In fact, right before I found out I had Cushing's, I was considering a ADHD evaluation. Of course, this only leads me back to the point that it was mostly my moods and fatigue that were killing my ability to concentrate. I felt far, far away, because I was in pain, alone, and I had no answers for it. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who drinks and smokes all the time, either. The normal me is smarter than that.
Romance: I suppose I could say love, but what I mean is the good parts of love. I just watched a Walk to Remember. Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceded. It does not take offense, it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hold, and to endure whatever comes. I've always been a sucker for the good in everyone concept. Cushing's took away my ability to believe in it. I trusted no one and rarely wrote poetry. I used to write ALL THE TIME. I'm definitely doing it more now. I feel like I can embrace the world again. I can love again.
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